Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally droppedsome cards on the floor. When he bent down under thetable to pick themup, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were spreadwide open and shewasn't wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John, upon trying to get back upagain, hit his head onthe table and emerged red-faced. Later, when John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed andasked,"Did you see anything that you liked down there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a moment or two to assess the financial situation as wellas the moral costs of her offer, John indicates thathe is indeedinterested. She tells him that since her husband,Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at
her house around 2:00 PM on Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolls around, John shows up at Bill'shouse at 2:00 PM sharp for the planned time with his wife and, after paying her the agreed upon$500, they head to the bedroom and close their sexual transaction justas Sue had promised.Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill arrives home from work at 6:00 PM and, upon entering thehouse, asks his wife abruptly, "Was John here thisafternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly stopped when her husband curtly asked.
"And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Do you know why men are so smart during sex?

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Nate and Barbara had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, Nate asked, "Before we go any further, Barbara, tell me do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact,"smiled Barbara, "I do happen to have a foot fetish... but I suppose I'll settle for four or five inches."

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. Thecowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Whydon't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spentthe night with him. The next morning she handed him a$100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The couple are in the bedroom one night and they have just finished making love.

"Honey, did you enjoy the fun we just had?", he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear.," She replies. Didn't you hear me laughing?"

RATED: NR

1957 DATE,

It's the Spring of 1957 and a sailor goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and inviteshim in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.

"That's cool" says the sailor.

Carrie's father asks the sailor what they're planning to do.

The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made the sailor's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father:

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms

Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms

Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms

Sex with an accountant = Boregasms

Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms

Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms

Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms

Sex while broke = Poorgasms

Sex with a lion = Roargasms

Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms

Sex on a golf course = Foregasms

Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms

Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms

Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms

Sex with the vice president = Dick Chenygasms

Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms

Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms

Sex on the beach = Shoregasms

Sex when you get an award = Honogasms

Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms

Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms

Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms

Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms

Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms

Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms

Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms

Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms

Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms

Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms

Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms

Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms

Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms

Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms

Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms

Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms

Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms

Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms

Sex while flying = Soargasms

Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms

Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms

Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms

Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms

Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms

Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms

Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms

Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms

Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms

Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms

Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms

Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms

Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms

Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms

Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms

Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms

Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms

Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms

Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms

Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms

Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

Rated X

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The
first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend.

Very Truly Yours,

Burly Dick, President
JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over witholive oil, we made passionate love, and shescreamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when mywife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all overwith butter. We then made passionate love and
she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife
and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with
chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made
love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done
to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."

"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way. "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
When I say Bell 3, we're going to do it all night."

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to do it.

After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"

"What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is
not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man
and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work
and therefore not for the Sabbath!"

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

Statistical Findings:

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date

20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place

36% of the women favour nudity

45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes

46% of the women experienced anal sex

70% of the women prefer sex in the morning

80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations

90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest

99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.