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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 08:56 AM                        Rated G Michele Then there was the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend. The next morning,found she was six months pregnant.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2003 10:25 AM                        Rated PG Michele Signs that you may be too sexual You become a K-Y spokesperson. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you. You go through a Sealy Mattress every week. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear. When they change your area code to 6969. Tetracycline is your best friend. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal". When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your front door. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders. Your day starts and ends by rolling over. When the sperm bank calls for remnant samples. When you're wearing more latex than spandex. When your ceiling mirrors fog. When they install a revolving door at your apartment. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door. Madonna comes to you for pointers. When he doesn't even have to buy you a soft drink. When you have a room key to every hotel in town. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot". When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated PG Michele Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you cant find it any other way),Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied, "The condom made of lambs intestine has a more natural feel." I said, "Not to us city boys."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:55 PM                        Rated G Michele A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home,and they have sex four times. After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital. "How's the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G A Religious Question A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies,"Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2003 12:19 AM                        Rated R Michele The Perfect Man ... He has a twelve inch tongue and can breathe through his ears.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2003 07:59 AM                        Rated R Prostitute to man: "Hi, want to have sex?" Man to prostitute: "Okay. Only if you do it like my wife does." Prostitute: "I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?" Man: "She does it for free."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-25-2003 01:37 PM                        A man enters a very swanky restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman . She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it reads: ”Dear Madam: Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage, and over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK!"  |  IP: Logged Nick Engstrom Film Handler Posts: 23 From: USA Registered: Dec 2003 posted 12-29-2003 08:46 PM                    Rated R q:Whats the difference between pink and purple? a: The grip  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2003 08:34 AM                        Rated PG Michele Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? . . . . . . . . . Because the snowblower was coming down the block.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2003 04:44 PM                        Rated PG Michele "I'm finished with Debbie!" Tom exclaimed to his friend. "What did she do?" asked his buddy. "She broke down and told me she was bisexual." "That bothers you that much?" "Yeah!!! Who the hell wants to screw just twice a year???"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2004 11:30 AM                        Rated XXX Michele There are these two friends,a white guy and a black guy.One evening,they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night.They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence,as it were. So they get to the whorehouse,pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall.Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall.Again,he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again.He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night. The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,"A hundred and eleven?! Damn! You beat me by three."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2004 11:32 AM                        Rated R SEX STATISTICS DIFFERENT PHASES OF COUPLES' SEX LIFE: Age 20 - Day and Night Age 25 - Every Night Age 35 - Fri Night Age 45 - Once a month Age 55 - Only feelings WHAT MEN DO AFTER SEX? 2% eat 3% smoke cigarettes 4% take a shower 5% go to sleep 86% get up and go back home to their wife. 25 USELESS THINGS IN A MAN: 20 nails 2 nipples that don't milk 2 balls that you cannot play with. 1 cock that does not lay eggs. SEX DURING PREGNANCY: The 1st three months, do it the normal style. Next three months do it the doggy style. The last three months do it the wolf style: ....sit outside the hole and howl.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 05:05 PM                        Rated G Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not,is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along,and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for,but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized. For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know,there is a simple checklist to help you. 1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she has been reading. If she says "Oh, I was reading that", then she was faking it. 2. If her panting,groaning and screaming are in tune,or sound like a familiar song,then she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand,and must therefore be faking it.Or else she really likes the song playing on her personal stereo. 3. A rule of thumb,which is usually very accurate,is:stop at random and record her response.If every time you stop she says "Mmmmmmm you were wonderful",then she is faking it.If she says "Don't stop", then she isn't.However,if she says "Don't stop" hours after lovemaking has finished,it is possible that shemay have fallen asleep,and missed most of the excitement.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 06:08 PM                        Rated G JerseyT Q: Why do men name their sexual organs? . . . . . . . . A: They don't want a total stranger making most their decisions.  |  IP: Logged

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