A nerdy little accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge guy with a big bulge.

The cellmate says, "I wanna have some sex. Are you gonna be the husband or the wife?"

The little guy says, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

Rated X

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.

He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that? "

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

My husband came home from his doctor, Dr. Buffy Breathy M.D., and informed me that she told him that he was unable to make love anymore.

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to seea therapist.

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face."He's still not in the mood," she complained.

"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to comeoutside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.

Hot tub tips for women It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes baby" Washing your partners back is sexy, washing your pantyhose is not It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing, it's not OK to pass gas

An overweight, middle aged woman went to see her doctor and complained that her knees were aching.

The doctor was thinking this might be either a case of arthritis or, possibly, a difference in her daily activities, and asked her, "Have you done anything recently that involves being on your knees quite a bit?"

She replied that recently the only sex she'd had in the last couple of weeks was "doggy-style".

The doctor replied, "All you need to do is change your position for sex."

Six year old Freddy and five year old Mindy were hiding in their big sister's closet as she entertained her boyfriend.

They heard much panting and moaning before their sister sighed, "Oh, John, you're in where no man's been before!

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

The RIGHT (R) and WRONG (W) things to say to a man after sex:

R: You're the one
W: Next.

R: You really know how to satisfy a woman.
W: What the hell was that? Do you have to catch a plane or something?

R: You're the best I've ever had.
W: You're almost as good as my cousin Earl.

R: What color are your eyes?
W: What color do you want to paint the baby's room?

R: You make me forget my problems.
W: You make me forget I'm just 15.

R: I think we should go away for the weekend.
W: I think we should go to the clinic.

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice? said her closest friend.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

A woman has a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

When her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Then her husband comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.The little boy says, "Dark in here."

Lover Man says, "Yes, it is."

Little Boy - "I have a baseball."

Lover Man - "That's nice."

Little Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Lover Man - "No, thanks."

Little Boy - "My dad's outside."

Lover Man - "OK, how much?"

Little Boy - "$175.00"

A few weeks later, it happens again. The boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time says to the boy,"Okay, how much?"

Boy - "$375.00"\

Man -"Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy responds,"$550."

The father says, "That's terrible to take advantage of your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.The boy says:

"Dark in here."

I was eating lunch with a friend of mine in a crowded cafe and we were talking about our love lives. In the middle of the conversation she exclaimed, a little to loudly, "God, sex is such a pain in the ass."