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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 03:00 PM                        Rated G Michele How does a blonde turn the light on after sex? . . . . . . .. She opens the car door.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-10-2003 07:05 PM                        A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming?" "Well, it looks like we're half way there," he replied. "You've grown to 12 inches?!" "No...it's turned black."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 09:18 AM                        Rated G There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says,"Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open.In runs Gladys.. straight to the bathroom Betty goes and knocks on the door,"Are you okay, Gladys??" No answer,so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles,legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty,it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out.When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-26-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated R "Who Enjoys Sex More" A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think were so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything" the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around then pull it out which feels better...your ear or your finger?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2003 03:53 AM                        Rated G A Florida couple, both well into their 80s,go to a sex therapist's office.The doctor asks,"What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50,and I get $43 back from Medicare."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 12:33 PM                        Rated G A sign in a sperm bank reads, "Men, please take your hat and jacket off."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 01:51 PM                        Rated G Five Kinds of Sex 1. Smurf Sex: This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2. Kitchen Sex: This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. 3. Bedroom Sex: You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4. Hallway Sex: This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" 5. Courtroom Sex: This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:00 PM                        Rated G A travelling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard got shelter with a farmer who had three daughters.The farmer called him aside and told him,"Young man,I have three daughters,so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned." In the morning,the salesman came down and the farmer asked him,"How was your night, young man?" "Oh! Slept like a rabbit.Thanks for your hospitality;I will never forget it." The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night mentioned this fact to his close friend.He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble. His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2003 03:00 PM                        Rated X Myriam ***** The Costume Party ***** All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam." "Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!" "I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2003 03:04 PM                        Rated G During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the door opened and a soldier rushed in to announce,"Hey, captain, the Northern Lights are out! Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the darn things!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 03:14 PM                        Rated G Michele "Idiots Guide To Sex" * If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language. * "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics. * A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set. * Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself. * A clitoris is not something you order from a florist. * Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease. * If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT! * When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 02:40 PM                        Rated G LS in CT For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 08:20 PM                        Rated XXX This guy goes into a whore house and gives the lady at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him. She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right. He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him. She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left. He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you. She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet and stick it in. He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work. As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby". She replies "MOOOOOO"!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2003 05:08 PM                        Rated X Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike? 1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere. 2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory. 3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience. 4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience. 5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun. 6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try. 7. It's best to have a soft place to land. 8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it. 9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them. 10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time. 11. Once you learn, you never forget how. 12. If you fall off get right back on. 13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up. 14. Remember to signal before you change direction. 15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip. 16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat. 17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way. 18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-03-2003 05:32 PM                        A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. For years my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.  |  IP: Logged

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