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Author Topic: Ethnic Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 11:19 AM                        Rated G An Appalachian couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them can speak Spanish.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2007 07:49 AM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. A Norwegian Doctor in Minnesota wanted to go hunting so he told his friend, "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and I don't vant to close the clinic.I vant you to work at the clinic and take care of my patients". "Yes, sir..." answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how vas your day? Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL. "Ya sure Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole. "Ya sure, you betcha Ole! You're good at this and vhat about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I vas sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a voman enters like a flame, she pulls off her dress, flings her long undervear in the corner and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME! For five years I have not seen a man!!!!!" "And vhat did you do Ole?" asked the doctor. "I gived her some eye drops."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-11-2007 03:07 PM                        Rated G..... This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians. An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Get outta here!" she shouted , "They're for the funeral!"  |  IP: Logged Stephen Cattenazzi Film Handler Posts: 14 From: Mernda, Victoria, Australia Registered: Feb 2004 posted 06-30-2007 06:12 AM                        Rated G This one was told to me by an authentic Irishman. Paddy was fixin to take a short vacation, and asked his buddy Mick to look after his place while he was gone. When Paddy returned from his holiday, he sat down to catch up with Mick, and asked if anything had happened while he was away. Mick replied "Well your cat died." Paddy was in shock and disbelief. "What?!" he replied. "You don't just come out and give horrifying news like that!" Mick was a bit bewildered by Paddy's reaction, and asked how he should have told him. "Well, you make up something to soften the blow. Something like 'Well, your cat was walking up on the roof the other day, and it unfortunately slipped and fell off the roof. I'm afraid he didn't survive the fall'." Mick understood his friend's reasoning, and apologized to Paddy for being a bit insensitive. So after all this, Paddy asks "Did anything else happen while I was away?" To which Mick replied, "Well, your mother was walking along the roof the other day....."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2007 11:17 AM                        Rated PG You're An EXTREME Redneck When..... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.' 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. ' 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-22-2007 07:24 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them asAPPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is"OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in"FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-01-2007 02:37 PM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley A Kentucky game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy from West Virginia carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey? " The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."? The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"? The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2007 12:33 PM                        Rated G Tony in Lyme An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?" "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business..... you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2008 02:05 PM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT ~ CAJUN STYLE Boudreaux done got old and his children dun put him in the old folks home near Breaux Bridge, Louisiana where he dun met a lovely lady dat were from Texas. Now Boudreaux being a fine upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do nutin' dat were against his religion, no. So he dun propose marriage. Now both Boudreaux and Mabel were in their 80's. Mabel went and told everyone at the Senior Citizens home the good news. Irene, Mabel's best friend told her that since she was very wealthy and the person she was about to wed was, well to say the least, not worth much and she should insist on a Prenuptial Agreement. Mabel was sitting on the porch swing with Boudreaux and she told him she would marry him providing he would sign a prenuptial agreement. Boudreaux dun told Mabel 'I'll sign agreement, you bet, 'cause I love you so much.' Mabel got out her pen and paper and started: She said: I want to keep my house down in Texas with all the oil wells. He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my shack on the bayou. She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and Lexus. He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my pick 'em up truck. She said: I want to keep my yacht that is more near my summer home in Padre Island, Texas. He said: That's fine with me.I'll keep my pirogue on the bayou. She said: I want to keep all my jewelry. He said: That's fine with me. She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week. He said: Put me down for Fridays.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-06-2008 07:48 AM                        Rated PG Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when...... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench . 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean ? 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 11:11 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba What is a redneck? To a person in the US, it is anybody from the South. To somebody in the South, it is anybody in Mississippi. To a person in Mississippi it is somebody who lives in a mobile home. To somebody in MS living in a mobile home, it is a guy who drives a pickup. To a MS guy in a trailer house who drives a pickup, it is a guy who drives a pickup with a Dale Earnhart decal on it. To a MS guy in a trailer house with a decal of Dale Earnhart on his pickup, a redneck is somebody who drives around with his dog in the back of the truck. And to a MS guy driving around in his Dale Earnhart pickup with his dog in the back, a redneck is a guy who puts Coca Cola in his morning coffee.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2008 08:20 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. Did you hear about the redneck that loved his wife so much, he almost told her ???  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 04:13 PM                        Rated G George One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!" "Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!" "Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"  |  IP: Logged Michael Dolan Film Handler Posts: 77 From: Deerfield Beach, fl. Registered: May 2008 posted 06-08-2008 09:17 PM                        Rated PG-13 A caucasian man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cool looking bottle in the sand. He picked it up and started cleaning it off when... 2 gorgeous blonde genies appeared. The man was in shock. The genies told him we are twins you still only get 3 wishes. So the man regained his composure and gave the genies his wishes. He went home that night and went to bed. As he woke the next morning he noticed his room was huge and had gold vaulted ceilings and marble decor. He couldn't believe it he thought he was dreaming. As he stepped out of bed he realized his floor was covered in $100 bills. He knew he was no longer dreaming the genies granted him his wishes. Next thing he hears banging on his front door. The door gets kicked in and 2 hooded figures storm inside and grab him. They took him out front, threw a rope over a tree and hung him from the tree to die. The hooded figures removed there hoods it was the genies. the first genie said to the other one I understand that he wanted a mansion who doesn't The other one replied back And I understand he wanted to be rich who doesn't want that. They then both looked at each other and said I just don't understand why he wanted to be hung like a black man. ***** *** ****** ******** **** If this joke offends anyone let me know and I will gladly remove it  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 08-07-2012 03:55 PM                 It has been 1520 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged

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