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Author
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Topic: Ethnic Jokes
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Gerard S. Cohen
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 975
From: Forest Hills, NY, USA
Registered: Sep 2001
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posted 08-24-2005 02:44 PM
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:
Under the same management for over 5765 years.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al. "Would you like dinner?,"
the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my
choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name .... and forgot to write a letter."
Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The
second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, low "oy." The
third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going ! to talk about our children."
And one final favorite: A waiter c omes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"
[ 08-24-2005, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Gerard S. Cohen ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-31-2005 01:30 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Faye in Kingston,Ont.Ca
Who you calli'n colored
This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!
When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.
You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folks ? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-07-2005 10:01 PM
Rated G
GOOD ITALIAN ADVICE
A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her nonna said: "Sita here-a ana letame tella you about those-a young-a boys. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat.
He's agonna try ana kiss you breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat.
But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat. Doing thata willa disgrace-a the family ."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!"
Nonna fainted.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-09-2005 09:25 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East,and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally,he went to an Arab doctor who said,"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room,poop in de bocket,pee in de poop,and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket,went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,peed on the poop,bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel so good! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-15-2005 03:40 PM
Rated PG
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great- grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb nut, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-21-2005 10:38 AM
Rated G Chris
How To Speak Southern ( Hah Tu Spek Suthun)
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy. Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
LOT - adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-21-2005 12:07 PM
Rated G popo
Southern Expressions
Exclamations: "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats: "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle." "This'll jar your preserves." "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments: "Cute as a sack full of puppies." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." "Gooder than grits."
The Weather: "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions: A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off." When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count." If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats." "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin." A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults: "She's uglier than homemade soap." "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'" "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead" Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-07-2005 09:44 AM
Rated G
Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street.Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So,Ruthie,
do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers,"God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement.You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie.I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease only affecting the gentiles."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-12-2005 11:36 AM
Rated PG : Ross in Pitsburgh
Too good not to pass on.
I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my Mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees. So, I was wrong. Sue me.
I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. "I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."
"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.
I had only known my mother for 31 years when I told her I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice
girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."
"Sounds fine to me," my mother said.
And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want?
I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season - an Italian woman's raison d'etre.
She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.
7p.m. - we arrive.
Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being."
7:30p.m. - Others arrive.
Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies. When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, "Thank you. But none of those things, okay?" She points to the anchovies.
"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.
"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods-that-swim are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room.
My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable. Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve.
Karen says, "Knockwurst."
My father, who is still staring in a daze, at Karen's chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?"
My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot.
None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.
8:00p.m. - Second course.
The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup.
My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my "Merry Christmas" napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and walk into the kitchen. "I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of! ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face."
"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants." My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she says, "are you serious with this tramp?"
"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks."
"Well, it's your life", she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll poison you."
8:30p.m. - More fish.
My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé? plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette. "Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest.Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.
"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling painfully. "Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops." I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy. "Whoops?" No. "Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft."
More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Aunt Mafalde does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas! as Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Uncle Ziti doesn't know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.
10:00p.m. - Coffee, dessert.
Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up cannoli and slaps my mother with it.
"This is fun," Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But, amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer - even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, "Get this bitch out of my house."
Sounds fine to me.
THE END
If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't know
Italians!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-19-2005 11:22 AM
Rated G American Indian
Improving the System
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied.
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it:
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-16-2006 07:40 AM
Rated G
A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"
"Right here at your side, my love."
"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"What, none of you assholes is minding the store?"
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