Sol Goldbaum, an elderly Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that roast beef," he said.

"That's not roast beef," the clerk said, "it's ham."

SIGNS YOU'RE AT A WEDDING IN TENNESSEE

* The rehearsal dinner is held at Hooters.

* Instead of "friends of the bride or friends of the groom?", ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?"

* Bridesmaids wear pink tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt t-shirts.

* Phrase "I Do" is replaced by "I Heard That!"

* Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" is replaced by "Rocky Top" and performed by Boxcar Willie.

* When the minister asks, "Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...
" some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"

* Reception conversation includes the phrase, "Been to Dollywood
lately, Earl?"

* Snack trays and beverages at reception include vienna sausages
(smoked, of course), nacho cheese Doritos and grandma's own
moonshine.

* Plans for the Honeymoon evening include tickets to the Monster Truck Show.

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?

Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

"Because this is Home Depot!

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.

He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman
handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.

After taking a big swig, the guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and
fresh ... you are most generous!"

She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it."

Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his
mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on
the stone floor.

The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty chair!"

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Steve, I never claimed that I had clothes, and you were not the only one to bring this to my attention, I received several direct e-mails to my regret. Guess what? I do blow it sometimes, I make mistakes..I acknowledge them and then I move on. Cheers!!

Whenever I meet you, I will buy the drinks.

I should buy you a drink for all the entertainment!

NEWLYWED REDNECKS

The week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried", said the husband. "My pecker is turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's penis is blue.

The doctor turns to the wife and asks, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am", she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

AVOID ASS WHUPPIN'

Fifteen ways to avoid a good Southern ass whuppin'

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House.It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nic! er. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g.Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracke! r Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

"Pappy Joe" saw his 16-year-old boy headin' out down the dirt road carrying a lantern from the house around sunset, and called out, "Hey there, Joe Bob, where's ya goin' with that there lantern?"

Joe Bob grinned from ear to ear and said, "I'm gonna go courtin' Peggy Sue!!"

Pappy Joe hollered out, "When *I* went a courtin', I didn't NEED me no dang lantern!""

Three Weddings

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak...

"Father, I am going to marry!"

His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"

"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."

"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy," says the son..

"Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!"

Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises..."What is her name," implores the father?

"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..."

"Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?"

"I'm happy, father..."

"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha...

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.. "Please God... let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"

"Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands?

"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"

"No..." says Chutzpah...

"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"

"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah...

"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?"

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:

"I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Again with the hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"But it's your senior picture. Couldn't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something,ANYTHING...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:

"That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: