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Author Topic: Ethnic Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 07:00 AM                        Rated R Ebonics math test MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM NAME____________________ GANG NAME ___________________ TAG____________________ HOOD____________________ 1).Little Jimmy has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload? 2).Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 3).Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit? 4).Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 5).Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900? 6).Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money? 7).If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free? 8).Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 9).Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income? 10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 02:04 PM                        Rated G Subject: Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks   Never take a beer   to a job interview.   -   Always identify people in your yard   before shooting at them.   -   It's considered tacky to   take a cooler to church.   -   If you have to vacuum the bed,   it is time to change the sheets.   -   Even if you're certain that   you are included in the will,   it is still considered tacky   to drive a U-Haul   to the funeral home.   -   DINING OUT   When decanting wine,   make sure that you tilt the paper cup,   and pour slowly so as not to   "bruise" the fruit of the vine.   -   If drinking directly from the bottle,   always hold it with your   fingers covering the label.   -   ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME   A centerpiece for the table   should never be anything   prepared by a taxidermist.   -   Do not allow the dog   to eat at the table...   no matter how good   his manners are.   -   PERSONAL HYGIENE   While ears need to be cleaned regularly,   this is a job that should   be done in private using one's   OWN truck keys.   -   Proper use of toiletries can   forestall bathing for several days.   However, if you live alone,   deodorant is a waste of good money.   -   Dirt and grease under the   fingernails is a social no-no,   as they tend to detract from   a woman's jewelry and alter   the taste of finger foods.   -   DATING   (Outside the Family)   Always offer to bait   your date's hook,   especially on the first date.   -   Be aggressive.   Let her know you're interested:   "I've been wanting to go out   with you since I read that stuff   on the bathroom wall two years ago."   -   Establish with her parents   what time she is expected back.   Some will say 10:00 PM;   Others might say "Monday.   If the latter is the answer,   it is the man's responsibility   to get her to school on time.   -   THEATER ETIQUETTE   Crying babies should be   taken to the lobby and   picked up immediately   after the movie has ended.   -   Refrain from talking   to characters on the screen.   Tests have proven they can't hear you.   -   WEDDINGS   Livestock, usually, is a poor   choice for a wedding gift.   -   Kissing the bride for more than   5 seconds may get you shot.   -   For the groom,   at least, rent a tux.   A leisure suit with a cummerbund   and a clean bowling shirt can   create a tacky appearance.   -   Though uncomfortable, say   "yes"   to socks and shoes   for this special occasion.   -   DRIVING ETIQUETTE   Dim your headlights   for approaching vehicles;   Even if the gun is loaded,   and the deer is in sight.   -   When approaching a four-way stop,   the vehicle with the largest tires   always has the right of way.   -   Never tow another car   using panty hose and duct tape.   -   When sending your wife   down the road with a gas can,   it is impolite to ask her   to bring back beer.   -   Do not lay rubber   while traveling   in a funeral procession  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 08:30 AM                        Rated G :eek What's the difference between a Southern Zoo, and a Northern Zoo? A Southern Zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a receipe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 07:55 AM                        Rated G Southern Definitions, by Stumpy * Intense: Where campers sleep * Kinship: Your brother's boat * Jury:Twelve people who determine which client has the bestlawyer * Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor. * Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot * Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once * Nitrate: Cheapest price for calling long distance * Paradise: Ivory cubes used in craps and backgammon * Paradox: Two physicians * Paraffin's: Found on the sides of fish * Paralyze: Two untruths * Pharmacist: A helper on the farm * Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV * Relief: What trees do in the spring * Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does * Sherbet: A tip on a horse race or sporting event * Stirrup: What you do with cake batter * Subdued: A guy who works on one of those submarines * Sweater: A garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly * Thursday: How you feel crossing the desert on a hot day * Vanguard: A person who protects trucks * Wholesale: Where a gopher goes to buy a home  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:13 PM                        Rated PG popo 1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them. 2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess." 3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." 4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly." 5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table. 6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. 7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!) 8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. 9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. 10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. 11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun,a verb,or an adverb. 12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless. 13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! 14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. 15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all." 16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. 17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. 18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! 19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. 20.) A true Southerner knows that if you are with a couple of friends you, you could be with 2 or 10. The number doesn't matter. 21.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:15 PM                        Rated R Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake, "Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off the road and hit them" Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them. They both said, "Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way. A little while later, Jake says to Zeke, "I wonder where those guys were going?" Without hesitation, Zeke replied "Florida". Jake asked him how he knew that and Jakes response was, "Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 07:55 AM                        Rated G Frank Out in the Kentucky hills,you don't see a lot of people hang gliding,but Old Zeke saved up and bought himself a rig. He took it to the top of the highest mountain,took off running, and was suddenly blissfully airborne. Meanwhile Ma and Pa Hicks were sitting on the porch,when Ma suddenly said,"Pa!that there's the biggest bird I've ever seen!" Pa stood up."Ma",he said,"Get my gun." Ma brought him the gun and he fired off several shots;Bang!Bang!Bang!But the enormous bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops. "I believe you missed him,Pa",Ma said. "Yeah",Pa replied,"But at least he let go of Old Zeke.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 08:01 AM                        Rated G After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a city suburb,a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first,"the man replied,"but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished."A paramour?"he said."Does your wife know?" "Sure,"said the Southerner."Why should she care how I cut the lawn."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 12:43 PM                        Rated G You might be a reneck if... You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names. You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together. People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale. You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, " I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today." Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it. You think the internet is a new fishing tool. There's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it. Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar. You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world. Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 01:17 PM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. You think the stock market has a fence around it. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame. Your home has more miles on it than your car.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 10:30 AM                        Rated R The Chinese Wedding A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies. He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef with broccorri?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 11:08 AM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... Your Christmas tree is still up in February. You've ever been arrested for loitering. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:08 PM                        Rated PG Louise Redneck Fisherman's Love Poem For Valentine Collards is green, my dogs name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-floppimg in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I love you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there for yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. You're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin', despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They get it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men get roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger, "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these won't do. Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, More usefull than diamonds...... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2003 07:50 AM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door. You burn your front yard rather than mow it. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. Fewer than half of your cars run. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2003 07:52 AM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... The taillight covers of your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.  |  IP: Logged

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