It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin,
however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has
plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the
interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and
driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think
you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always
hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the
mountains,the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the livingroom. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS Jun 22-Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life
goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't
work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one
exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish
are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to
huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best --your friends and loved ones-- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

Redneck Calendar
-----------------

January 1- New Year's Day
Bring in the New Year with black-eyed peas and ham hocks. Eating
black-eyed peas brings money and good luck. The ham hocks just make 'em taste better!

January 28 - Super Bowl
Southerners love their football! College football is preferred, but it is possible to get worked up for the Super Bowl with enough beer and a Southern team in contention.

February 2 - Groundhog Day
Target Practice Day - We don't mess around with ground hogs or other varmints.

February 12 - Lincoln's Birthday
Southerners don't celebrate this one. He was born in Kentucky, but later turned Yankee.

February 14 - Valentine Day
Don't forget to go by the drugstore and get your honey a heart-shaped box of candy with a plastic flower on top to let her know how much you think of her.

February 22 - Washington's Birthday
Another Dead President's Day. He was officially Southern, but not a good ol' boy. Those ruffles and wigs ain't country...

March 17 - St. Patrick's Day
Many Southerners are Scotch Irish. Those who are not claim to be and have another good excuse to drink beer.

April 15 - Easter
Easter Bunny Day - Everyone should get "slicked up" and go church at least once a year whether they need to or not.

May 13 - Mother's Day
Be sure to call your mama or get her a card to thank her for birthin' you.

May 28 - Memorial Day
First holiday weekend of summer - Good time to take the boat and go to the lake.

June 17 - Father's Day
Get Pop some Red Man chewin' tobacco.

July 4 - Independence Day
Beer and firecrackers - Careful with the latter if you've had too much of the former.

September 3 - Labor Day
Last weekend of summer - Another good time to take the boat and
go to the lake.

October 8- Columbus Day
Last holiday to go fishing before cold weather.

October 31 - Halloween
Tradition is to play pranks and turn over the outhouse. Unfortunately, there are not many outhouses left these days, and this time-honored tradition is mostly a nostalgic memory.

November 11 - Veteran's Day Drink beer and watch a patriotic movie on television to show appreciation for veterans.

November 22 - Thanksgiving
Good day to take out the dogs and pickup truck and go rabbit hunting.

December 25 - Christmas
Get in the spirit by decorating the house with flashing lights inside and out. Make fruit cake and soak it in whiskey. Put up a pine tree and decorate it. Wrap up the presents from Wal-Mart. Light fire in fireplace. (Important: Remember to open damper first this year.) Celebrate early and try to getrid of the visiting relatives before they get drunk on fruitcake.

December 31 - New Year's Eve
Drink and shoot fireworks. If you don't have any fireworks, just shoot the shotgun in the air at midnight

So this old Chinese guy goes to the eye doctor...after a short examination the doctor says, "Well, I think I know what your problem is. You have a cataract."

How to tell if you might be a High Tech Good Ol' Boy ...

If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a
laptop"

If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and
Wesson"

If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a
cellular phone.

If your baseball cap read "DELL" instead of "CAT"

If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you
still don't miss her

If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on

If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck,
tractor, or farm animal

Signs Your Mobile Home Is Haunted

1. Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.

2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.

3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.

4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.

5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating
by itself.

6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.

7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.

8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.

9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the
radio.

10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.

11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes cut in them.

12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin.

13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."

14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib -- no
wait, that's just Jimmy.

15. You hear strange moaning - but only during Shania Twain videos.

16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old Milwaukee.

17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill.

18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in jail.

19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race."

20. Instead of saying "Boo," the ghost says "Boo-ya'll!"

21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin ... and he's pissing on YOU!

22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have pictures of covered bridges on them.

23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own.

24. You get a creepy feelin'and it ain't because that Richard Simmons is on TV.

25. You come home one day and it's ... clean!

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3.---You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" just bowls on a different night.

5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."

8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.

10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are:
"Gentlemen, start your engines."

12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG LYRICS

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

3. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

4. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

5. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

6. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

9. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You

10. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

12. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

13. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.

14. Please Bypass This Heart.

15. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

TIPS FOR NORTHERNERS HEADED SOUTH

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the position of landmark hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Do not consider Florida a southern state. There are way more Yankees than Southerners living there.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When one is purchased, it is to be positioned directly in front of the family trailer. This is only logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on and blinking when the car was purchased.

AND THE NUMBER ONE TIP FOR NORTHERNERS GOING SOUTH?

If you hear a Southern "good ol' boy" exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Sex: Swedish-Style!

Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.

Consider newlyweds Sven and Marta on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.

They are nearing Minneapolis when Sven puts his hand on Marta's knee. Giggling, Marta says, "Sven, you can go farder than that if you vant to..."

Chaim "Brickboots" Rabinovich, The notorious, unscrupulous Jewish Godfather, was arrested on a charge of murder, so he used his right to a telephone call to seek help from his lawyer, Moshe "the Cantor" Finkelstein.

Finkelstein said that because of the serious nature of the charge, they would have to brief counselor Schwartz to conduct Chaim's defence.

On the day of the trial, a jury was selected, and Schwartz, the counselor, said, "Finkelstein, is there a Jew on the jury?"

"No." replied Finkelstein.

"Then we gotta object" said Feinstein, and the jury was duly thrown out.

This process was repeated another three times, and when Schwartz asked, "Finkelstein, is there a Jew on the jury?" Finkelstein replied, "Yes, Schwartz. Abe Guttman is there."

That night they went to see Abe Guttman, to whom Finkelstein said, "Abe, you know it is a very serious charge against Chaim. He could go to prison for life or even be sentenced to death. Now Schwartz and I have a proposal to make to you. If you can get us a verdict of manslaughter, we will pay you $5000."

At the conclusion of the trial, the jury deliberated for hours, and when they eventually returned, the judge asked whether they had reached a verdict. The foreman replied, "Yes, your Honour: not guilty of murder, but guilty of manslaughter."

An appeal was immediately lodged and Chaim was out on bail. That night they had a huge celebration at Finkelstein's house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and when Finkelstein opened, there was Abe.

"Come in Abe, and join the party. We are celebrating."

"No, Finkelstein, wait a minute. First I want another $5000," replied Abe.

"Another $5000? What you want another $5000 for? We paid you $5000, and we got the verdict. What more do you want?" protested Finkelstein.

"Finkelstein, not once did I have to fight for that verdict. Not twice did I have to fight for that verdict. Three times I had to fight for that verdict!"

"Why, how did that happen?"

A CHINATOWN QUANDRY!

A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by allthe Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around.

He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans
Olafsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in
the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name
like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man says, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?"

I am a native of West Virginia, and there is a very small town called
"Big Ugly". I have no idea why it was named that, but you know, it's probably a redneck thing.

There was a woman from Big Ugly who entered a beauty pageant, and won. The head line in the local paper read, "Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant".

I thought I would share that one with you.

Redneck Remakes

1."Gone with the Wind" by Ihad Gas

2."Mission Impossible" by Ima Constipated

3."Dances with Wolves" by I.M.Hairy

4."Bonanza" by Igot Diarhea

5."Rain Dance" by I. Hadapee

6."Cats" by Icky Hairball

7."Lost in Space" by Iam Blonde

8."Lost in Time" by Iam Blonde

9."The Lone Ranger" by B.O. Stinks

10."Shark Attack" by I.M. Screwed

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose,but what would you want a box like that for?"

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.

The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord.

The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak.