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Author
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Topic: Ethnic Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2004 06:23 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence who he don like at
all.Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence,"If I had a way to cross dis bayou,I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"
Dis went on for years.Finally,de state don built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife,Marie,say,
"Now is you chance, Boudreaux.Why don you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you say?"
Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge. But he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home. Marie say,"Why you back so soon?" And Boudreaux say,"Marie,I dun
change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence.You know,Marie,dey got a sign on dat dere bridge what say "Clarence 13 ft. 6 in." You know,he don look near dat big when I yell at him from across de bayou." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2004 05:08 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Eye-Talian
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate all witnesses.
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.
You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .
Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Plastic on the furniture is normal.
You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
You've called someone a "mamaluke."
And you understand "bada bing".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2004 05:33 PM
Rated PG
Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,Virginia. Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"
Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful bride Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta
vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to datrip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta lil' bit hungry and open upa da lunchabasket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, 'no eata in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' "
"So, me and my beautiful bride Virginia, we go to dining car, eata biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a car.'
"So, we go to club car." "While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.'
"We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."
"Then my beautiful bride Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shoutin' at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'"
"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2004 12:06 PM
Rated PG Rated G Michele
Mr. Sori: "Yes, you can speak to me."
Lee Sum Wan: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan."
Mr. Sori: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"
Lee Sum Wan: "I'm Sum Wan. I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's
urgent."
Mr. Sori: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"
Lee Sum Wan: "Look, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident.Noe Wan was injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital.Right now,Avery Wan is going to the hospital."
Mr. Sori: "Well, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident,that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"
Lee Sum Wan: "You are very rude. Who are you?"
Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori."
Lee Sum Wan: "You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"
Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori!"
Lee Sum Wan: "I don't like your tone of voice, mister, and I don't care.Now give me your name!"
Mr. Sori: "Look, lady,I told you already.I'm Sori! I'm Sori!
I'm SORI! You didn't even give me your name!"
Lee Sum Wan: "I told you before, I'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan! You better be careful, man. My father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very prestigious position in the family business. He is Noe Buddy."
Mr. Sori (sarcastically):"Oh, I'm so scared. Look,I don't care
about your uncle;he's a nobody.Everybody thinks he's top dog and holding an important position in the company."
Lee Sum Wan: "No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery
Buddy doesn't work there."
Mr. Sori: "Like I said, I don't care which one of your aunts
sleeps around, and I also know that not everybody works here!
Jeez! Now, which one of my employees do you want to talk to?"
Lee Sum Wan: "Wheech Wan is my sister!"
Mr. Sori: "I don't know which one is your sister! How in God's
name would I know that?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2004 12:28 PM
Rated G Hispanic Wedding
In My Big Fat Hispanic Wedding, nobody has invitations... only
maps.
Family orders the invitations 3 months in advance and mails them
out a day before, then calls, "¿No entiendo porque no te ha
llegado?" (I do not understand why it has not arrived?)
An average of 12 people attend per invitation.
Hispanics never RSVP (ReSerVation Protocol).
No one goes to church for the wedding, but everyone goes to the
reception.
All the centerpieces are gone and the reception has just started.
Everyone's kids are running around crazy and all you want to do is throw a bottle at them.
La comida (the meal) has rice and beans and macaroni salad.
People are taking food plates home (doggy bags) "para mañana" (for tomorrow).
People are taking huge pieces of cake home and telling
others, "allí hay más!" (there is more).
One of the relatives is drunk and hugging everyone telling
them, "te quiero mucho" (I love you very much).
The dollar dance lasts over an hour with the same tune... and
that's only with relatives.
There are seven bridesmaids, and seven sets of "padrinos"
(Godfathers).
Everyone wants to be a "madrina" (Godmother) for your wedding.
The cake was made by "la señora que hace las tortas en la
vecindad" (the lady who bakes cakes in the neighborhood) instead
of the bakery.
The wedding ends at midnight "en el salòn" (at the reception
saloon or place), but ends at 6:00 a.m. at the bride's house.
If you, the reader of this joke, are hispanic, do not get mad. I
am the sender, a hispanic from Puerto Rico.
And remember I don't write 'em! So don't be offended, they're
just JOKES!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2004 02:58 PM
Rated G Sue Bee
Redneck Valentines
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's, and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high, when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles, and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger, "that's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds it's a new ridin' mower.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-26-2004 10:29 AM
Rated R
15 Ways To Avoid A Southern Ass Whuppin
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment
(e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern dungholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box....Minus your ass
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-18-2004 11:30 AM
Rated PG
You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't Mind Being a KosherMillionaire - You Should Only Live So Long."
You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not.
Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your mother will
give you her opinion.
Let's play:
For $100:
Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on reentry?
A. Oy Vey Mir.
For $200:
Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?
A. All right, everybody get in the car.
For $500:
Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A. Netanyahoo.
For $1,000:
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey.
For $2,000:
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A. Debbila Does Windows
For $4,000:
Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her
husband in the act with his secretary?
A. "The Plaintiff."
For $8,000:
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A. "Nyah Nyah, Your mother pays retail."
For $16,000:
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A. When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000:
Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful?
A. Nothing.
For $64,000:
Q. Define "Genius."
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000:
Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm?
A. She puts down her nail file.
For $250,000:
Q. When should a Moyel retire?
A. When he can't cut it anymore.
For $500,000:
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A. A fur coat.
For $1,000,000:
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an
Italian Grandmother?
A. The accent.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-22-2004 12:39 PM
Rated G Michele
REDNECK RULES FOR CALLING SHOTGUN
If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by
automobile,one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for
him/herself the right-front passenger seat.This seat is obviously the most desirable.
It offers such advantages as:
~ more leg room
~ own personal vanity mirror
~ ease of egress and ingress
~ social prestige
~ panoramic view
~ air-bag safety feature
~ better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
~ rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal
Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of
the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins,
another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend
off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.
The Rules:
1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken
leg,if she does not call "shotgun" first,her butt is going into the back seat.
2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fistfight willdetermine the ultimate winner--unless the contestants are girls.In that case,the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight,or a "pout-off" can be held instead.
3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (ie. fuel or pottystops),the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again.
4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up with a large portion of physical harassment from the backseat
"shotgun" loser.Scratching,hair pulling,and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory.
5. Pre-'shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.
6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically
cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-15-2004 11:51 AM
Rated G
I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our patients are from many different countries and cultures.
One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to our division, I checked the chart and assumed that, because of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see she was Asian.
As I was, performing the exam, we chatted, and she told me that she was Chinese, and her husband's ethnic heritage was Czech.
After a short pause, she quipped, 'I guess that makes my Children Chinese Czechers!!'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-09-2004 04:56 AM
Rated G
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
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