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Author Topic: Ethnic Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2003 09:22 PM                        Rated G You know you're in a Redneck church if... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. When the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering, 'five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.' The choir is known as the 'OK Chorale.' Boone's Farm 'Tickle Pink' is the favorite wine for communion > In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as 'branding.' There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. People think 'rapture' is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 05:49 PM                        Rated G .... What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 03:25 PM                        Rated G A fight broke out between a couple redneck locals and a lone biker at closing time in the local watering hole. After easily laying out the drunken hillbillies the biker heard someone behind him! So he swung around and landed a devastating kick to the groin, realizing too late that it was only the barmaid picking up empty glasses. When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the woman alleging she was kicked in the altercation?" To which she answered, "I ain't never had no alteration! These is all my 'riginal parts."  |  IP: Logged Tim Reed Better Projection Pays Posts: 5246 From: Northampton, PA Registered: Sep 1999 posted 03-20-2003 09:53 AM                       It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2003 04:12 PM                        Rated G JEWISH PERSONALS SWJM seeking SWJF: I saw you under the table when we were both cleaning up our spilled cholent at the last Shabbos Kiddush. You had Kishke, I did not. Call 1234-567 if you like klezmer music and Sabra on the rocks. LTR desired. I have $1000 in my IRA and expect to win the lottery soon. See you at Shul. I will be wearing black. SWJM seeking SWJF: 30 year old accountant. Could get married on Lag B'Omer. I love numbers and replicate everything in the Bible with numbers. Currently in my 6th year of "plenty". Looking for someone to take a 40 year journey in the desert. Must have your own manna. I am very flexible. Contact Box 7-7-17-40. SWJF seeking SWJM: Female beautician looking for a man with good hair and Payus. Long sideburns and beard a must. Bald spot must be covered by kipah. Must enjoy cleaning chickens, I like wings. Enjoy Frum martial arts movies.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 04:02 PM                        Rated G Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 11:39 AM                        Rated G Alex The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple) 1. God is number one... and das' All. 2. Don't pray to nuthin' or nobody... jus' God. 3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord. 4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House. 5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem. 6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No! 7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her. 8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else. 9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff. 10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2003 07:01 AM                        Rated PG Why rednecks are better than flower children 1. The hardest drug they have done is Red Dog and Skoal 2. If they profess "Love not war!", they have first hand experience in both. 3. Their love of the environment is done by action not words. 4. Their home brews have the names "Rainbow", "Ocean" and "Starfall" instead of their children. 5. They know that more kids means more change in the world. 6. A pack of dogs on the lot works just fine instead of a high tech, rechargeable, electronic home systems running off solar power. 7. Their brownies don't get you arrested. 8. They know health care starts at home and is earned out of worth. 9. You can insult a redneck and they might find it amusing. 10. To them, "Sensitivity Training" is a contradiction of terms. 11. Their bartender and square dance callers have more counseling experience. 12. Rednecks are honest about their feelings. 13. A party usually leads to drinking and singing instead of sinking and drilling. 14. "Peace Protest" is a contradiction of terms to them. 15. They play "Name the gun they carry." while looking at cops instead of "Name the drug they are looking for." 16. Construction experience is beyond building a two man bong. 17. A 35 year old pickup truck on its third engine, second transmission and fifth layering of sheet metal for body work is the best example of recycling there is.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 07:16 AM                        Rated G Alex Bern You know you grew up Jewish when: You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical. You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket". Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents. You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 footwide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray. You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties. You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven. You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes. You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce. You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green. You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it. You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra. You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor. You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes. You have at least six male relatives named David or Aaron. Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper. You thought that speaking loud was normal. Your mother smacked you and then made you feel guilty for hurting her hand. Your body was saturated with Vicks, over the years. You thought whitefish salad and lox were the quintessential party foods.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 11:16 AM                        Rated G A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers,and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys? So the boss met with both teams and said:"Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day.The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job". Both teams headed right out.At end of the shift,Pat and Mike, the Irish guys,came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.They said that it was tough going,but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later,Bubba and Duke,the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked,"Well,how many poles did you guys install?" Bubba,the team leader wiped his brow and sighed,"Duke and me,we got three in." The boss gasped,"Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" "Yeah," said Bubba,"but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 09:46 AM                        Rated PG Alex Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away. "Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him." "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..." Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-18-2003 01:05 PM                        Rated G Two reasons why it is so hard to solve a redneck murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G It rained and rained and rained... so much that a ditch by Rastus's house was full and over flowing its banks. His Mother was in the kitchen washing dishes. Rastus found an old inner tube, put it around his waist, jumped into the ditch full of water and was having fun. His mama saw him from the window and screamed out, "Rastus, You'se betta git out o' 'dere this minute. You'se was brung into this here world on a bad rubber and I's refuses to let you go out of this world on a bad one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2003 07:43 PM                        Rated G What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 06:13 AM                        Rated G Louisiana Cajun Language "Jeet?" "No. Jew?" (Translation: Did you eat? No -- did you?)  |  IP: Logged

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