YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.....

10• You list your parole officer as a reference.

9• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

8• You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

7• You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

6• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

5• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

4• People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

3• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

2• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house

Three young black ladies were sitting on the front porch one afternoon talking to each other about their boyfriends.

During their conversation, one said to the others, “You know, seein’ hows all our boyfriends are named ‘Leroy,’ wez gonna get our boyfriends mixed up. So, I’z tell you whut, let’s pick out nicknames for them so wez can tell them apart.”

The others agreed to this. The first one said, “I’z gonna name my Leroy ‘Upper 10’ ‘cause he’s 10 inches long and always up.”

The second one pipes in, “Well, I’z gonna name my Leroy ‘7 Up’ ‘cause he’s 7 inches long and always up.”

The first two asked the third, “Whut’s you gonna name your Leroy?”

The third thought for a moment and then said, “Well, I’z gonna call my Leroy ‘Jack Daniels’.”

“Why you gonna call your Leroy dat fur?” the others asked.

Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________ First name (check appropriate box):

[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________2nd Spouse's Name: __________

3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________

Lover's Name: ____________________________

2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model of your pickup: _____________

Year pickup produced: 194____

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

An Alabama farmer was driving his pick-up truck across a bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below.

The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you doing this?"

The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."

The farmer replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"

The jumper replied, "I have no wife and children."

The farmer then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"

The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed away many years back."

The Alabama farmer then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"

The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"

A Brit, a Frenchman, and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve strolling in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm." muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, the are French."

You Might Be A Redneck If...

A young polish man finally got his girlfriend to agree to have sex. Being a virgin, he asked an older friend at work how to go about it.

The older man said, it's really very simple. Get her in naked and horny, then take your most prized possession and put it where she pees.

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."

His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue.

On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

A Jewish guy is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who's lying on the sidewalk.

The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.

A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married." "Oy, mazel tov," says the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you." "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads, and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot....I said a RICH doctor!"

Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck and all they getaway with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?"

"Half a million"

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all that cash?"

"I bought a house and a boat. How about your sack?"

"Bah... mine was full o' bills"

"And what did you do with them?"

Two hillbillies, Hubba and Bubba, were walking through the grassy fields of Alabama.

Suddenly, Bubba stops when he sees a sheep with its head jammed in a barbed wire fence.

"Hoo-yah!" cries Bubba, "Now ain't she purty?"

He quickly hurries over to the sheep, drops his pants and hastily has his way with the sheep.

When he is finished, he pulls up his pants and steps back and says to Hubba, "Ok, it's your turn now."

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insightand advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of afour-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be alongshortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know thepositions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" Well, 'cause you ain't from here! We can tell!

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understandyou,either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner'svocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in 'big ol truck' or 'big ol boy'.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly inthe middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse
still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate,you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car waspurchased.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens...

The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be
wearing in September. "Dang it, it sure is cold out, y'all!"

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. Everyone will be there buyingmilk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, itis positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing inmind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should,therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, toget maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.