Redneck First Aid

A woman goes to a small-town restaurant and orders the chicken special. When her foodarrives she quickly bites into the chicken.

Suddenly, she starts choking on a tiny bone.

Two country boys in a neighboring booth notice the woman in distress and jump up to help her. The first boy drops his coveralls and bends over while the second boy licks his rear-end.

The woman watches these two in grossed-out amazement and hurls, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

A Redneck's Guide to Autos - Part 1

Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a three story building.

When you are well aware that your car might break down, drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.

If your car breaks down while driving, do not attempt to move to the shoulder. Stay in the middle of the road.

If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it.

If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine.

If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway.

Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads.

If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you.

Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or what's happening in front of you.

Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed gas station.

Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.

When replacing a burned out low-beam headlamp, use a high-beam bulb.

Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit.

Windows which no longer roll down are not to be fixed. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.

If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it to a private inspection station and pay the mechanic $20 to pass you.

If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait months until its inspection time to get them repaired.

If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.

If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up. Better yet, just let it drag on the road.

If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.

Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.

An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.

When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.

Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no
one can read them.

The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local health clinic.

"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"

You Might Be A Redneck If....

• You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.

• You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.

• You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.

• None of your shirts cover your stomach.

• Your screen door has no screen.

• Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

• Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

• You can spit without opening your mouth.

Redneck Humor

Dear Abby:

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?    

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. As she was passing a tavern, she thought, ''Vy nought?'' and walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she'd like to drink. Helga replied, "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''

The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''

Q: What is the best pick-up line in West Virginia?

While breaking into a bank and walking through the lobby, Billy Bob noticed a map display with a star and the words "YOU ARE HERE."

Once there was a redneck waitress with a cold thumb, so when she served soup to a man, the very upset man yelled "Why the hell is your thumb in my soup?!"

Then she said "I'm sorry sir, my thumb is very cold"

The man got even more pissed and said "well why don't you just shove it up your ass bitch!"

Making Some Cash

Two men, Billy and Samuel, are sitting in a bar when another man comes in with a plastic bag.

He sets the bag down on the counter, calls the bartender over, and gives him the bag.

The bartender looks in and pulls out an Indian head.

The bartender then walks to the cash register, and pulls out a thousand dollars and hands it to the man with the bag.

The two men argue over the next 10 minutes about what the transaction meant.

Finally they decide to ask the bartender. The bartender says, "A couple of years ago those dang Indians broke into my house and killed my wife.

Since then I just pay any of you folk here who'll bring me an Indian head a thousand dollars." The men get excited and ask, "Will you do this for us?" The bartender shruggs and says, "O' well shure thing little cowboys."So the men decide to head over to a reservation that night.

As they crouch on a narrow ledge, they see an Indian riding on a horse not far from where they are. So one of them takes a rock and hits the Indian in the side of the head, knocking the Indian unconscious. The two men quietly make their way over to the Indian, and as one pulls out a hunting knife... "Billy, I thinkyou should see this!" hisses the other man.

"What, Samuel, I'm just about to.." "Billy, you really need to see this!"

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider.

He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."

Maw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun.

He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

redneck sex quiz:

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 

3. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 

4. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 

5. Erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False 

6. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 

7. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 

8. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 

9. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 

10. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.True or False 

11. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.....

10• You list your parole officer as a reference.

9• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

8• You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. 

7• You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. 

6• Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

5• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

4• People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe. 

3• The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

2• The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house

A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of shit in his hands.

40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.