A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries."

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.

The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."

Redneck Offspring

A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it under the bench.

One day his father caught him and told him, ''Son, every time you do that you are killing a baby.''

The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in.

Why is there so few k-marts in afganistan?
Because there are so many targets.

Polish Marines stormed Bloomingdale's Department Store in New York yesterday after its intelligence agency reported that Bed Linen was on the fourth floor.
. No one was hurt.

Boudreaux (Pronounced Boo-Dro) was floating down the bayou on his pirogue (A cajun boat pronounced Pee-Ro) heading in to town,when he happend to see Flo sitting on her porch with her legs hiked up and spread wide open exposing her beautiful pussy.

Boudreaux hollered up to her and asked, "Ms. Flo, what's that there you got between your legs?"Flo answered, "Why Boudreaux, that there's my washin' machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and asked, "Well, can I come up there and do me a load of laundry?"

Flo said, "Sure."

So Boudreaux hopped out of his pirogue and hurried up to the front porch and went to town on that wonderful pussy of Flo's. When he had "washed his laundry," Boudreax got back in his pirogue and headed in to town where he did someshopping.

On his way back home he passed by Flo's shanty and there she was, sitting on her porch with her legs hiked up and her beautiful pussy exposed for all to see.

He hollered up to her and said, "Ms. Flo, what's that there you got between your legs?"

She hollered back and said, "Now Boudreaux, I done tol' you that's my washin' machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and said, "Ms. Flo, you mind if Icome up there and do me another load of laundry?"

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only thisyear I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go toHawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.

Then two years ago,you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Travelling Salesman in West Virginia

A travelling salesman is in West Virginia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.

"Son, is your mother home?"

The little boy nods yes.

"Can I see her please?"

The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.

"Son, do you see what your mother is doing?"

The boy nods yes.

"Do you know what that is?"

The boy nods.

"Doesn't that bother you?"

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, "Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?"

"And then what happened?"

Redneck's Medical Dictionary

Artery: Study of paintings

Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria

Barium: What to do when treatment fails

Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U

Ceasarean Section: District in Rome

Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Coma: Punctuation Mark

Congenital: Friendly

D & C: Where Washington is

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Genital: Non-Jewish

Hang Nail: Coat Hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Labor pain: Hurt at work

Morbid: Higher offer

Nitrate: Cheeper than day

Outpatient: Person fainted

Post op: Letter Carrier

Recovery Room: Place to apholster

Rectum: Dang near Killed Him

Rheumatic: Amorous

Secretion: Hiding something

Tablet: Small table

Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport

Tibia: Country in North Africa

Tumor: More than One

Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'

Varicose: Nearby

Redneck Poetry

Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time.

St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.''

Robert Frost stepped up and recited a beautiful poem and was let in the gates.

The redneck stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?''

The Redeck paused and scratched.

''Oh! I got it,'' said the redneck, ''here it goes. . .

Bob just moved from New York City to Alabama.

He was looking for something to do on the weekend.

One day, he hit the local pub for a beer with some of his new co-workers.

He asked one guy, “What do people do around here for fun....?”

Man: Do you like fighting, being you come from New York City?

Bob: Yes I like a good fight now and again.

Man: Do you like playing cards?

Bob: Why sure I do!

Man: What about a little sucking and fucking?

Bob:I like fucking and sucking just as much as the next guy.

Man: Well, hell, I know just the place. We can go there tonight.

Bob: Sure, I'm going to go home shower and change, I'll meet you back here in an hour.

Man: Now why you gonna go and do that?

Bob: Well, gotta get rid of the sweat and odor from a day's work.

You might be a High Tech Redneck if.....

10. Your email address ends in over.yonder.com."

9. You connect to the WWW via a "Down Home Page."

8. If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer's a laptop"

7. You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellularphone.

6. Baseball cap reads DEC instead of CAT

5. Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

4. Wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.

3.You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.

2. You refer to your computer as Ole Bessy

What do toilets, clitoris, & an anniversary have in common?

A. Men miss them all.

Redneck Sex Quiz:

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

3. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

4. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False

5. Erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

6. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

7. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False

8. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

9. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

10. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.True or False

11. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False