Standing on the shore, a Jewish lady watches her grandson playing in the water.

She is thunderstruck when she sees a huge wave crash over him. Because when it recedes, the boy is no longer there - vanished!Screaming, she holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not scrimped and save so I could tithe to the Temple and contribute to B'nai Brith? Have I not always put others before myself? Have I not always turned my other cheek and loved my neighbors, have I not ...?"

A deep loud voice from the sky interrupts, "Enough already, give me a break!'"

Immediately another huge wave appears and crashes on the beach. And when it recedes, the boy is standing there,smiling, splashing around as if nothing ever happened. The deep loud voice continues, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew still doesn't answer.

"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

Southern Speak

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"Ahm fixin ta do that"

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed,
it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."

REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be
eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when
patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Genital.....................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series..................World Series of military
baseball.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the
airport.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

A Jewish boy went to his father and asked to borrow $50.00.

A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.

The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"

Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girlfrom the next farm and offered her a ride.

Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.

Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"

He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.

"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up atanother shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed itinside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"

Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.

" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached overand opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.

"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

Threats used in disfunctional families...

14. "Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"

13. "If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."

12. "If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man!"

11. "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do you?"

10. "Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"

9. "Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."

8. "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!"

7. "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"

6. "Don't make me put you back in the womb!"

5. "As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!"

4. "You just wait 'til your father gets paroled!"

3. "Stop crying Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."

2. "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!"

WINDOWS XP: REDNECK VERSION!

SPECIAL PRESS RELEASE:

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.

It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP,
and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.

Other differentiating features:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4- Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"

Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . . stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . . yep
No . . . . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . .hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . . . . over yonder
Back . . . . . . . . back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . crank er up
Settings . . . . . . settins
Programs . . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:

Tiperiter . . . . . . . A word processing program

Colerin book . . . . . a graphics program

cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator

outhouse paper . . . . notepad

iner-net . . . . . . . Microsoft Explorer 6.0

pichers . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

I hope this helps all y'all!

A man went to a storefront psychic for some spiritual guidance. The man
said, "There's a horrible dark cloud surrounding me."

"I know," said the psychic, "and for a hundred dollars, I can rid you of
it."

The man, eager to be cured, handed over the money. The psychic then pulled
out a book of matches and lit one.

The man said, "What do you call this dark and horrible curse?"

YOUR CHURCH MIGHT BE A REDNECK CHURCH IF . . .

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play it.

People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering," then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

With a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

High notes on the organ make all the dogs asleep on the church floor begin to howl.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that so often used the name, Bubba. He went to court to change it and appeared before a judge who asked, "Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"

"No sir, Your Honor. I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed."

The judge asked, "And what name do you want it changed to?"

He said, "Candy."

The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."

He said, "Candy, C-A-N-D-Y, Your Honor."

The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, "Your name is now, Candy."

He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and
heard, "Who's there?"

He said, "It's me!"

She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."

He said, "It's not Bubba."

She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."

He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."

She asked, "What is it then?"

He said, "Guess."

She said, "Leroy?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Johnny?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."

He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and
ya puts it in ya mouth."

A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man.She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.

She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"

A little old Jewish lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in
front of a seated young girl.

Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is
hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."

The bus driver tells her hehas to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block.

With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"