A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry."

A hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after three years he came back home.

They were sitting around the dinner table when the Dad said, "Well son, you gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"

"OK, Pa", the son said. "Pi R squared."

Signs in Goldberg's furniture store --

"There are two reasons why we won't cash your check -- one, we don't know you; two, we DO know you."

"We have an agreement with the banks. They don't sell furniture, and we don't cash checks."

There are two Mexicans talking. One is a new resident of the town. The first Mexican says to the other, "Hey, Vato, this town is pretty rough. All the Mexicans know how to fight. So watch your back."

The other Mexican replies, "I don't need to worry, because I know
Mexican Judo."

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"Ahm fixin ta do that"

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's buttin a pepper patch."

Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed,
it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Ole and Lena got married.

On their honeymoon trip, they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee.

Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farder dan dat if you vant to."

Southern Sayins

It's so dry here, the fish are knocking on the door, askin' for a
drink of water.

He disappeared like a belch in a wind storm.

Who blew out your pilot light?

I'm so hungry I could lick the sweat off a cafeteria window!

It's so good, it'd make a freight train take a dirt road!

My stomach's full, but my mouth ain't satisfied!

Well now! Don't that just fry your tater?

That steak's so rare, a good vet could save it!

That's about as easy as nailin' Jell-O to the wall.

That feller ain't nothin' but an appetite with skin drawn over it.

I'm old and ugly, but I can still pull up to the table three times a day.

You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.

When foxes pack the jury box, the chicken's always guilty!

That's like tryin' to sneak sunup past a rooster!

Noisier than a mule in a tin barn.

Sexy as socks on a rooster.

Mad as a mule chewin' bumblebees.

A fartin' horse never tires.

You shut the barn door after your horse got out.

You're about as useful as a bucket under a bull!

Now that he's sowed his wild oats, he's hopin' for crop failure!

He's so bad, he'd fight a circle saw!

He's all vines, and no taters.

He'll never drown in his own sweat.

It's like tryin' to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope.

His feet's so big, he has to put his britches on over his head.

I felt like a bastard at a family reunion.

If you shake his hand, count your fingers.

If she heard that, she'd lay square eggs.

He's about two jumps ahead of a fit.

If fat geese were sellin' for 10 cents a pound, I couldn't buy a
hummingbird.

If it costs a dollar to go around the world, I couldn't get out of sight.

That chili's so hot, it can make a cat pass a motorcycle!

He looks like he's been beat through hell with a soot bag.

You're about two bubbles off plumb.

I think the butter's slipped off your biscuit.

He's as happy as a puppy waggin' two tails.

You're goin' up fool's hill on the slippery side.

Folks who get all wrapped up in themselves, sure do make small packages.

You'll never get indigestion from swallowing you own pride.

Who licked the red off your candy?

Two heads are better than one - even if one is a knothead.

Who pissed in your cornflakes?

If I knew I would live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

QUESTION: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

HUNTIN' REDNECKS!

A group of rednecks went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day.

That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

"Where's Billy Bob?" one of his buddies asked between spits of chewing
tobacco.

"Billy Bob looked to had a stroke of some kind. Passed right out he did! He's a couple a miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy Bob jes a-laying out there and carried this here deer
back?!"

Vincenzo and Luigi were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey," said Vincenzo , "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa, greasy, straggly hair?"

"No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Luigi .

"Den, you likea da woman stinka bad a garlic alla da time?" inquired Vincenzo .

"Nope, I'ma no lika dat kind either!" said Luigi .

"You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no?" asks Vincenzo .

"Notta me!" answered Luigi .

"How about da woman witha da big ass and hairy arms," asks Vincenzo

"Never lika dat!" answered Luigi .

Redneck Job Placement Method

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is the Redneck method of job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with blank walls and only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The story goes that a sick Jewish man with deteriorated eyesight was lying in his hospital bed, surrounded by his immediate family.

He struggles to ask if his wife is present.

She assures him. He asks the same of his eldest son. And on to his youngest one.

An elderly Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii.

He was sure it was Havaii, but she maintains that it was Hawaii.

As soon as they landed they asked the first person they saw, "Would you mind telling me the name of this island?"

"Havaii!", the man replied.

"Thanks", answered the man.

You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering,' five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because 'It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.'

The choir is known as the 'OK Chorale.'

Boone's Farm 'Tickle Pink' is the favorite wine for communion.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names
in the church directory.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.