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Author Topic: Ethnic Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 03:32 AM                        Rated G Ira Lawson "Researchers in China have determined that 270 million people--or roughly 23.4% of that country's population--share just three last names. It's kind of like the Tennessee of the East."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 08:30 PM                        Rated X THIS GIRL WAS SITTING AT HOME ON THE NIGHT OF HER LAST PROM, WITHOUT A DATE. HER BROTHER COMES UP TO HER AND SAYS,"I'LL BE YOUR DATE AND TAKE YOU TO YOUR LAST PROM" AND SHE SAYS"I CAN'T GO TO THE PROM WITH YOU, YOU'RE MY BROTHER!" HE SAYS" OH COME ON, ITS YOUR LAST PROM!" SO SHE SAYS "FINE I'LL LET YOU TAKE ME." LATER ON THEY ARRIVE AT THE PROM. SHE'S STANDING BY THE PUNCH BOWL THINKING "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE WITH MY BROTHER" THE GIRL'S BROTHER THEN ASKS HER IF SHE WANTS TO DANCE. SHE SAYS " I CAN'T DANCE WITH YOU, YOU'RE MY BROTHER" HE SAYS "OH COME ON, ITS YOUR LAST PROM" SO SHE SAYS "OKAY, FINE I'LL DANCE WITH YOU." AFTER THE DANCE, HE SAYS,"LETS GO TO MAKE OUT MOUNTAIN" SHE SAYS "I CAN'T GO WITH YOU, YOU'RE MY BROTHER" HE SAYS " OH COME ON, ITS YOUR LAST PROM" SHE SAYS "OKAY FINE I'LL GO WITH YOU." THEY ARRIVE AT MAKE OUT MOUNTAIN AND THEY JUST SIT THERE IN THE CAR. ALL OF A SUDDEN HE STARTS KISSING HER. SHE SAYS" I CAN'T KISS YOU, YOU'RE MY BROTHER" HE SAYS" OH COME ON, ITS YOUR LAST PROM" SHE SAYS "OH OKAY FINE" THEY START MAKING OUT AND THINGS GO TOO FAR AND THEY END UP HAVING SEX. AFTER THEY'RE DONE, SHE SAYS "WOW YOU'RE ALMOST AS GOOD AS DAD!" THEN HE SAYS "YEAH, THAT'S WHAT MOM SAYS"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2002 07:37 AM                        Rated G An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor. In the waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything. The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive. The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit. The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?" The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!" The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor. On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2002 09:49 AM                        Rated G A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy! "Congratulations!" says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 08:28 AM                        Rated R THINGS OVERHEARD DURING A REDNECK HOLIDAY SEASON "Uh oh. Santy's face down in his own puke again, Ma." "Well, whaddaya know, Sis -- looks like we're both standing under the mistletoe!" "Look, kids! Grandpa's writing the names of Santa's reindeer in the snow!" "Okay, now YOU put an ornament on your head and I'LL shoot it off!" "And if you're good boys 'n gurls, Jeff Foxworthy will come down the chimney with some Skoal." "I'll be damned if I'm going to spoil *my* wife with them fancy Wal*Mart goods!" "Hey! Who broke ma 'Dale-Earnhardt-as-an-angel' tree topper?" "Dad? This here policeman wants to know where you got our tree." "Hey, Cletus, pass me the squirrel nog." "Play 'Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer' again! It just keeps gettin' funnier!" "Awright, you can put some cookies out for Santa. But if there ain't enough cookies for breakfast tomorrow, don't come cryin' to me." "The stuffin' keeps fallin' outta the turkey. Hand me my duct tape, boy!" "Gol-dang it, Clem, save some o' that mistletoe for the barn!" "Pop the hood on the Barracuda, Son. It's time to baste the turkey."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 04:19 PM                        Rated G JJ in Rancho Cucamonga Southern Xmas During a Christmas visit in the South, I came upon small Southern town where there was a "Nativity Scene" on display that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. However, one small feature bothered me. The heads, of the Three Wise Men were adorned in firemens' helmets. Totally unable to fathom a reason, or explanation for this obvious desecration I left the scene. Stopping on the edge of town, at a "Quik Stop" I asked the lady behind the counter about the "Nativity Scene", and the helmets. She immediately exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees, don't you ever read the Bible?" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible, and in particular, not, in regard to the birth of Jesus. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter, ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The Three Wise Men came from afar!!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 09:20 AM                        Rated G Q: what has 127 legs and 15 teeth ? A: the front row of a willie nelson concert.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 08:05 AM                        Rated PG THE REDNECK TEST 1) Which of the following foods should be fried? a) all foods b) all foods c) all foods d) all foods 2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister? True False 3) What is 8 + 3 ? a) what? b) the number of people living in your trailer home c) fertilizer d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three 4) I will cheat on my husband... a) for a quart of Schlitz b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world c) because he cheats on our daughter d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove 5) I wash my underwear when... a) I go swimming with it on b) I wash my truck c) it gets brittle d) it rains 6) I brush my teeth when... a) I wash my truck b) they bleed c) it rains d) Never. I don't have teeth 7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard? a) 15-20 b) 21-25 c) 26-30 d) beer 8) My favorite book is... a) TV Guide b) Jaws c) Bob Barker's Bio d) What is a book? 9) Country music is so great because... a) it makes me cry b) it goes good with fried food c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops d) Black people can't dance to it 10) Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than... a) Oprah b) okra c) a V8 engine d) greased up goats 11) Cholesterol is... a) monster truck fuel b) a laxative c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas d) don't know 12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy a) is slipperier than snot on a door knob." b) is tougher than prison bacon." c) is uglier than a mud fence." d) is one little fork short of a fondue party" 13) Women should... a) never clean house unless they're naked b) put gravy on everything c) cost less d) bait their own hook  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 03:50 PM                        Rated G What's a redneck Fortune Cookie? A piece of cornbread with a food stamp baked inside.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:10 PM                        Rated G Sam Goldstein,in Singapore on business,is amazed to find a synagogue,and, since it's Friday night,walks in,and attends a standard service,except the part of the service which is not in Hebrew is in Chinese. After the service, Sam is welcomed by the Chinese rabbi, and the rabbi says, "Excuse me, but are you a Jew?" When Sam replies that he is, the rabbi says, "Funny,you don't look Jewish!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 02:22 PM                        Rated G Leon Blum, the former Socialist Premier of France,once met David Ben Gurion. He introduced himself this way, "I had better tell you right away, Mr. BenGurion, that I am a humanist first, a socialist second, and only then a Jew. Whenever I write my name, that is what I believe." Ben Gurion replied with a smile,"Never mind,we Jewsread from right to left anyway!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:55 PM                        Rated G An eldely Jewish couple on their way to a vacation inHawaii, got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii. He was sure it was Havaii,but she maintains that it was Hawaii. As soon as they landed they asked the first person they saw,"Would you mind telling me the name of this island?" "Havaii!", the man replied. "Thanks", answered the man. "You're Velcome," the man replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2003 12:00 PM                        Rated G Old Graveyard Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Bubba. Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia.".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 09:25 AM                        Rated G Finding a Chinese Jew Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 09:29 AM                        Rated PG Native American hears A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." "That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"? "No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!  |  IP: Logged

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