Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?

A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife.

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number

The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.

We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local health clinic.

"Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"

Bubba’s Crash Course

Bubba and Cooter decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example.

Do you own a weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"

"Since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba’s obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

A Redneck walks into a gun shop....

Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"

Redneck Guy: "I'm lookin' for a gun."

Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?".

Redneck Guy: (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case) "That one looks about right."

Owner: (very surprised) " What do you need a .44 magnum for?"

Redneck Guy: "It's for shootin' at cans."

Owner: (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans."

Redneck Guy: (pointing at the .44) "Nah, I think that I need this one."

Owner: "Damn, what kinda cans are you shooting?"

A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, “no”

What's the new national bird of Iraq?
Duck.

Why can't the Iraqis schedule driver's ed and sex ed on the same day?
The camels get too tired.

What did Saddam and his father have in common?
They both pulled out too late.

Why doesn't Saddam Hussein go bar hopping?
He can get bombed at home.

True Southerners know...

* the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

* pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

* what general direction cattywumpus is.

* that gimme sugar don't mean pass the sugar.

* when somebody's "fixin" to do something it wont be LONG.

* the difference between yankees and damn yankees.

* how good a cold grape nehi and cheese crackers are at a
country store.

* knows what "well I swanee" means.

* ain't nobodys biscuits like grandmas biscuits.

* a good dog is worth his weight in gold.

* real gravy dont come from the store.

* when "by and by" is.

* how to handle their pot likker.

* the difference between "pret' near" and "a right far piece."

* the difference between a redneck and a good ol' boy.

* never go snipe hunting twice.

* at one point learned what happens when you swallow tabacco juice.

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon.

The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin"

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.

When he gets there his father says "son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says " Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."

Q: What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Q. Was the toothbrush invented in West Virginia?
A. Yes, anywhere else would of called it a "teethbrush."

Q: What is the definition of a hillbilly virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

Q:  What's the difference between trash and white trash?
A:  Nothing. They both drive around in dump trucks, smell like crap, & get more and more rotten each day.

You Might Be a Redneck If...

- You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wifedrunk.

- You ever cut your grass and found a car.

- You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

- You think the stock market has a fence around it.

- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater

.- Your boat has not left the drive-way (or front yard) in 15years.

- You own a homemade fur coat.

- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

- You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

- Birds are attracted to your beard.

- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

- You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

- You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

- You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

- You clean your fingernails with a stick.

- Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

- You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table

- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat

.- Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

- Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
- There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

- The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

- You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

- The tail-light covers of your car are made of red tape

.- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem

.- You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

- You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

- You're considered an expert on worm beds.

You take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

- People hear your car a long time before they see it

- The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

- You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

- You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

- You go to a stock car race and don't need a program

.- You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

- You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

- You consider a bug zapper entertainment.

- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

- Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

- Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.-

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

- Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

- You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.

- You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

- The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

- You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill...

Did ya'all hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alabama to 41?*

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the public highschools.

How do you know when you're staying in a classy hotel in theSouth?

When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "awe shucks mister, go on ahead."

One day you and your redneck Dad are fishin at a little lake in Alabama.

After a couple of hours he still didn't catch a fish.

Nothing.

Suddenly a Black man appears with no fishing gear. He bends over and puts two of his fingers into the water. In a few short seconds a beautiful fish gets stuck on his fingers.

Your Dad is just watching in awe at this picture.

After a while the Black man had enough to feed a whole family and then some!

Your Dad gets curious; and asks the Black man how he did that.

The Black man replies: "Yo put two of yo fingers in your woman's pussy, get her nice 'n hot - then you see..."ya'all can do this too if yo try."

So your dad gets his fishing gear together, jumps into his pick-up and quickly drives home. When he arrives at home, he sees his wife standing on a ladder cleaning the cabin windows. He sneaks up behind her and slides his two fingers into her pussy.  As he's pumping his hand in and out; without turning around she purrs: