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Author Topic: Ethnic Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 11:54 AM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You go to the family reunion to pick up women. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 01:06 PM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. Your wife's hairdo attracts bees. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. You pick your teeth from a catalog. You've ever financed a tattoo. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in." Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 01:08 PM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog. You're an expert on worm beds. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!" Your family tree does not fork. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls. You haul more than U-Haul. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!" There is a gun rack on your bicycle. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 01:09 PM                        Rated G Redneck been here? Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Bubba". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer... The mouse is referred to as a "critter".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 06:47 AM                        Rated G Alex Telephone Call: - Hello, that's you, Abe? - Yes, dis is Abe... - It doesn't sount like Abe - Vell, dis is Abe all right. - You're positive it's Abe? - Absolutely. - Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me fifty dollars? - Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you called...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2003 08:39 AM                        Rated G Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2003 09:14 AM                        Rated G The U. S. Treasury has announced they are recalling the new West Virginia quarter. According to theTreasury officials, the quarter will not work in parking meters,toll booths or vending machines. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 03:17 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem. "Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 11:37 AM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it. In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite. Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 12:54 PM                        Rated G Michele "Ol'Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again,"the wife told her husband. "How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?" "Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 12:58 PM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if... Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a very special baseball cap,just for formal occasions.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2003 07:22 AM                        A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are. "Yes," replied the Chinese,"Our culture is over 4,000 years old.But,you Jews are a very wise people, too." The Jewish man replied,"Yes,our culture is over 5,000 years old." The Chinese man was incredulous,"That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues How To Tell If You're A HIGH-TECH REDNECK! You take your net connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your email. Your email address ends in ".over.yonder.com." Your computer is worth more than all of your cars combined. You ever refer to your computer as "Old Bessie." You start all of your emails with the word "Howdy." You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools. You've ever used a CD-Rom as a coaster to sit your beer can on. Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite tractor. You think re-booting is getting new soles on your boots.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 08:21 PM                        Rated PG Abie and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East Side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester or Long Island and the Puerto Ricans were moving in. "Abie, ve haff to move to Westchester," said Moishe. "Ve can't. Diss neighborhood iz our life. Ve've been here for toity-tree years. Maybe ve can start stockink Ketolic articles too." "Vat? Ketolic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? Ve're Jews. NO Ketolic articles!!!" Well a month passed and they sold nothing but two talliseisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Moishe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he said to Abie, "OK, call dat Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue." Abie: "Hello, Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue? Diss is Abie and Moishe's on Delancey Street. I vant 200 daily missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of dose beads, vat you call em, Rosaries?, and a gross of crucifixes. ...and I need dos things here tommorow. " "OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 200 daily missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of Rosaries and 100 crucifixes. So, tell me, however, dese crucifixes. You vant dem mit or mitout de Jesuses? ....and tomorrow we don't deliver...it's Shabbos ! "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 08:36 PM                        Rated PG :)Michele A Southern Boy Would Never Say 1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen. 2. You can't feed that to the dog. 3. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 4. Trim the fat off that steak. 5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. 6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 7. Duct tape won't fix that. 8. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 9. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. 10. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'.  |  IP: Logged

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