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Author Topic: Ethnic Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2004 11:01 AM                        Rated PG Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze. Bou ask Thib, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' made love to your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?" Thib scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so... but it shore would make us even!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 12:50 PM                        Rated G Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux went out in the Gulf of Mexico fishing. They were gone a couple of months. On their return, they noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away. Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and says "Look at dat, we not gone no time and dem Mexicans done come over here and built a telephone company!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2004 08:49 AM                        Rated G Michele Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. It was near the end of winter and spring was just beginning. Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the general store to pick him up some tobacco. She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab. So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back. Then she asked Ole why he didn't send her with any money. He said, "I vasn't goin' to send a dollar ven I vasn't sure how tick de ice vas." [ 11-04-2004, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:17 AM                        Rated G Michele YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (2004 Version) Your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. None of the tires on your van are the same size. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat. You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 01:24 PM                        Rated PG A Russian was being led off to execution by a squad of Bolshevik soldiers on a rainy morning. "What brutes you Bolsheviks are," grumbled the doomed man, "to march me through the rain like this." "How about us?" retorted one of the squad. "We have to march back!"  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 11-05-2004 11:05 PM                    Rated G guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, “I’d like some Polish sausage.” The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?” The clerk says, “Well, no.” With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?” The clerk replies, “Because this is Home Depot.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 08:51 AM                        Rated G Michele I was at a party this weekend and a jokester, stifling a laugh said, "Listen to this: One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." At this, my Jewish friend, Al Cohen said, "Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Always two Jews! Why do they have to be Jewish? Can’t you tell the joke with other nationalities involved? Why don’t you make them Chinese for a change?" The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Here’s the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao- chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang’s nephew..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2004 02:12 PM                        Rated G A Jewish guy's mother gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one. As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:31 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Question: How do rednecks make stucco? Answer: They paint over the boogers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2004 10:02 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba You're An EXTREME Redneck When..... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this." 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-05-2005 06:09 PM                        Rated G A Polish immigrant goes to the Dept. of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the examiner asks. "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 02:02 PM                        Rated G Ollie Question: What is a four-letter word in Italian for goodbye? Answer: "BANG"!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 12:54 PM                        Rated PG Uncle Bubba Things you will never hear a Southerner say: I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Do you think my hair is too big? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? The tires on that truck are too big. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt? Damned if that polititian ain't honest! We're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. You can't feed that to the dog. Trim the fat off that steak. I just love the Opera. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Wrasslin's fake.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-16-2005 09:16 AM                        Rated G After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was,he remarked,"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn,and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it . Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2005 12:35 PM                        Rated G Quirk New Jewish Words: 1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish. 2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah. 3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas. 4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. 5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. 6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper. 7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when. 8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. 9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger. 10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah. 11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot. 12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. 13. MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius." 14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception. 15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you. 16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn. 17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor. 18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. 19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food. 20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification. 21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover. 22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours. 23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. 24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. 25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork  |  IP: Logged

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