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Author
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Topic: Ethnic Jokes
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-07-2003 05:51 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A grandmother is lying on the beach,sopping up the sun,while her grandson wades in the water just at the shore's edge.
Suddenly a giant wave comes whooshing up on the beach.And when it recedes . . . the child is gone!
"God, why have you done this to me?", says the grandmother."Have
I not been a good grandmother?Have I not been a good mother? And
wife?Have I not been a good Jewess?Have I not kept a kosher house?And attended all the services?And lit the candleson . . ".
"ENOUGH, ALREADY!" comes a voice from on high.[/b] "YOU CAN HAVE HIM BACK."[/b]
Sure enough,a second huge wave comes crashing onto the beach. And when it recedes,there's the child,wading in the water just at the shore's edge.
"SATISFIED?" says the voice.
And the grandmother says, "He had a hat." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-09-2003 10:59 AM
Rated G
Redneck Etiquette
Redneck Etiquette for driving:
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Etiquette for personal hygiene:
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
Redneck Etiquette for dining out:
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Etiquette for entertaining:
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
Redneck Etiquette for dating (outside the family):
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
Redneck Etiquette for the theatre:
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Redneck Etiquette for weddings:
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Redneck Etiquette for all occasions:
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-22-2003 11:41 AM
Rated X ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where you been for the past two weeks? Nobody seen you around!"
"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."
"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!"
Luigi countered.
Antonio said, "Yeah, but dis beach, she was a-screamin' and a
kickin' and a-yellin".
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Rachel Craven
Madam Moderator
Posts: 2190
From: Pensacola, FL
Registered: Dec 2000
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posted 07-23-2003 11:17 AM
Rated G
CHINESE COUPLE SU WONG MARRIES LEE WONG.....THE NEXT YEAR, THE WONG'S HAVE A BABY.....THE NURSE BRINGS THEM OVER A LOVELY,HEALTHY,BOUNCY, BUT DEFINITELY A CAUCASIAN, WHITE BABY BOY......"CONGRATULATIONS," SAYS THE NURSE TO THE NEW PARENTS. "WHAT WILL YOU NAME THE BABY?" THE PUZZLED FATHER LOOKS AT THE NEW BABY BOY AND SAYS, "WELL, TWO WONG'S DON'T MAKE A WHITE, SO I THINK WE WILL NAME HIM ------SUM TING WONG."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-14-2003 03:58 PM
Rated G
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two
trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the
trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and
I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of
the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing
up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train
wreck!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-18-2003 05:01 PM
Rated PG
Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an "Old Jewish Man" sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,"We're lost and running out of food.Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
"Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly,Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary,and begins thumbing through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake.
It vuz not a bacon tree.It vuz a ham bush!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-19-2003 03:37 PM
Rated G
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off.
Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home.
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