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Author Topic: Ethnic Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:40 AM                        Rated G A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country store, discussing the mysteries of life. "I'm going deaf and blind," sighed one old fellow. "I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for." "Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are not our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here He's got work for you to do." Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced, "Well, I'm not a-gonna work for anybody."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:20 AM                        Rated G "You know you're a redneck when.." 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a flyswatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15 You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2005 12:33 PM                        Rated G Tony in Lyme, CT FINALLY SOMEONE CLEARED THIS UP! For centuries,Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married,she brings with her, a dowry.On her wedding night,the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won either a convenience store, gas station, donut shop or motel in the United States.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 01:54 PM                        Rated G A two-headed lamb has been born in China. Do you know what they would call that in the South? A double date.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2005 08:51 AM                        Rated R Hank in Simi Valley A Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars at a bank: Japanese guy: "Yestoday I get two hunat dollah fo yen, today I get one hunat eighty, why it change?" Teller (shrugs): "fluctuations." Japanese guy: "fluc you white guys too!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-18-2005 10:20 AM                        Rated G Never Choke, in a restaurant, in the South. Two hillbillies walk into a bar.While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly,a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.And,after a minute or so,it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up her dress,yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and theobstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2005 11:21 AM                        Rated R A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's, "Papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers." "Well, Tony," Papa said. "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to point ata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use dat to show youa married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married." Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life. But, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?" Papa drew close to Tony and said, "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka her on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-23-2005 10:19 AM                        Rated G *A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe." * *Passenger: "Who?" * *Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right.Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time." * *Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."* Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.He could golf with the pros.He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." * *Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?" * *Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,and the whole neighborhood blacks out." * *Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?* *Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me,I always seem to get into them"* *"Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around"* *Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."* *Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" * *Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe." * *Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" * *Cabbie: "I married his widow."*  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-23-2005 10:54 AM                        Rated G An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. "Now, go and open the trunk!" So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-08-2005 01:01 PM                        Rated G.... A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about ... numbaa 69" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want......Beef wiff Broccori?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2005 05:10 PM                        Rated G Lena's car breaks down on the Highway 8 just outside of Lindstrom one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men; Lars and Sven in trench coats who stand at the rear of the vehicle where they are facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, this causes one of the worst pileups in history of the highway. It's not very long before a p olice car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward Lena's vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "Ya, vell my car broke down," says Lena, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the cop. And she said "Vell, officer dose are my emergency flashers!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2005 04:21 PM                        Rated G Did you hear about the Redneck who: Spent four days in sears looking for a miscarraige. Looked in a lumber yard for a draft board. Tried to throw himself on the ground, and missed. Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game. Took his expectant wife to a grocery store because he heard they had free delivery. Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman. Was feeling so low down, he got his face slapped. Lost his girlfriend because he forgot where he laid her. Thought asphalt was rectum trouble. Wouldn't go out with his wife because he knew she was married. Thought the typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period. Thought "No Kidding" was a form of birth control. Thought peter pan was a wash basin in a whore house. Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean glass. Thought "Maniac" was a redneck in a whorehouse with a credit card. Studied five days for a urine test. Thought Moby Dick was a veneral disease. Went in the out house,put one leg in each hole, and shit himself. Thought a mushroom was a place to neck. Two rednecks were sleeping in a farmers field and got cold, so one got up and closed the gate. Applied for a job as a lifeguard in a carwash. Thought manual labor was the president of Mexico. Put Iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2005 12:37 PM                        Rated G We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years.It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family,country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life,I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of.I hope I am one of those.If you feel the same,pass this on to your redneck friends.Ya`ll know who ya are... You might be a redneck if. . . It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . " You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." You bow your head when someone prays. You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have. You've never burned an American flag. You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to sayso,no matter who is listening. You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. You'd give your last dollar to a friend. If you got this email from me it is because I believe that you,like me have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the USA  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-30-2005 05:10 PM                        Rated G... A Pakistani arrives in New York City all excited, he stops the first  person he meets. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and... " "The person interrupts and says, "I am not American, I'm Chinese." The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..." Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence, "I no be American, I be Turk!" The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." "But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American." He goes a little farther and meets another American and greets him. "Thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country." "I'm not an American, I'm a Mexican." "But," answers the Pakistani somewhat distressed, "where are the Americans?" The Mexican looks at his watch and says, "Probably at work."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2005 10:53 AM                        Rated PG A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin'(getting ready) to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead. She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids." She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee." He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?" She replied,"Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb-ass Yankee."  |  IP: Logged

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