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Author Topic: Ethnic Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 02:26 PM                        Rated G Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalized?" "Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" Billy Bob answered, "Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 10:13 AM                        Rated G Italian Mother A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.He says, "Just for fun, Ma,I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm gong to marry." The mother agrees. The next day,he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.He then says,"Okay,Ma,guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2003 03:03 PM                        Rated G Michele A Redneck was out hunting when he came upon a cheerful young woman sunbathing in a clearing. Walking over, he said, "Pardon me, ma'am, but are you game?" Looking the young man up and down, she replied, "Sure." So he shot her.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 09:24 AM                        Rated G You might be a redneck if.... You ever cut your grass and found a car. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You own a homemade fur coat. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. You burn your yard rather than mow it. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You've ever hit a deer with your car..........deliberately. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You clean your fingernails with a stick and pocket knife. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. You've ever bought a used cap. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. You've ever financed a tattoo. People hear your car a long time before they see it. You take a fishing pole into Sea World. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick. You own a denim leisure suit. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. Your family tree does not branch. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car. You have a rag for a gas cap. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles. All of your four letter words are two syllables. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You cut your toenails in front of company. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You have grease under your toenails. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. Your wife's hairdo has been caught in the ceiling fan at least once. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken. You own a 3 pound belt buckle with boat rope. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. You have more than two relatives named Bubba, Junior, or Skeeter. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper You clean the plaque off your only tooth with a file or pocket knife. You wear fake hillbilly teeth from the novelty store because they look better than your own.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 03:42 PM                        Rated G Two families move from India to America. When they arrive,the fathers make each brother a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win. A year later when they meet again,the first guy says,"My son's playing baseball,I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a acase of Bud for tonight. How about you?" The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-28-2003 04:05 AM                        Rated G A big old redneck walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face. " What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. " Well, I'll tell you," he replies."You know I live by the railroad tracks.Well,on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,like in the movies.I,of course,went and cut her free and took her back to my place.Anyway to cut a long story short,I scored big time! We made love all night,all over the house.We did everything..." "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob.Was she pretty?" "Dunno....never found her head....."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-14-2003 01:05 PM                        Jewish Buddhism Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bow. Unless, of course, you have the closet space. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with posture like that. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking? Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget these simple things and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving-kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish? To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? Zen is not easy. It take effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 08:26 AM                        Rated G Michele Bubba's personals ad SW Good Ol' Boy seeks big-haired woman who enjoys campin', fishin',huntin',and goin' four-wheelin' miles from any bathroom to share tobacco-chewin',beer-drinkin',lyin',cussin', belchin', 'n' fartin'. Readin' 'n' 'ritin' abilities a plus, even better if you can do math.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2003 02:28 PM                        Rated G Redneck Family Values You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kid.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 03:53 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!"Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy,and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled,"Mary Louise,you wanna screw for that hinge?" To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated G Old Mr Cohen brings his son into the business, Cohen's Nails, in the hopes that one day his son will take over. As time passes Mr Cohen starts getting more and more worried, no matter what department the son is put into he cannot get anything right and is continuously mucking everything up. After talking to some of his friends and business partners Mr Cohen decides that maybe the reason his son is doing so badly is because he is supervising him too closely so he decides to give him a task to do where the son is in charge. The task is handle the new advertising campaign. The son is delighted and starts working really hard. The father is delighted also as it looks like the idea will work. Time passes and the son comes to Mr Cohen and takes him out to see the new billboard. It is in a fantastic position, on the highway, thousands of cars passing it daily, but Cohen almost has a heart attack when he sees it. There is a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross, with the caption "Even back then they used Cohen's nails." After explaining to his son that many customers are not Jewish and would find this offensive, the son promises to change the sign. Another frantic month of activity and the son comes back to him and drives him out to see the sign. The new sign has a picture of Jesus lying in a bundle at the bottom of the cross with the caption "If they had used Cohen's nails, this would not have happened!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:54 AM                        Rated G sonata What kind of compliment can one pass on to a female Redneck, deprived of normal physical attributes? "Nice tooth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:14 AM                        Rated G Jewish Marriage advice... Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 11:38 AM                        Rated G Michele You might be a Redneck if... ...Your answering machine message begins, "If you're calling about the free puppies..." ...Your kids take rabbit sandwiches in their school lunch boxes. ...All the holes in your jeans came from buckshot and barbed wire fences. ...The recoil pad on your shotgun used to be the cup of your wife's bra (or a shoulder pad from her sweater). ...Your family reunion was held at a skating rink. ...Every time you rebuild your motor there are a few parts left over.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 12:48 PM                        Rated G A guy from New York married a hillbilly girl. On the honeymoon,the New Yorker asked his new bride if there was any difference in the lovemaking of city guys and hillbillies. She paused for a moment and said calmly,well you city guys walk up and stick it in,but the hillbilly guys stick it in and then walk up. Needless to say that was the end of the conversation.  |  IP: Logged

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