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Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine When I was an apprentice bricklayer, we were working on a pump station that was supported by pilings several feet from shore. I accidentally dropped my level into the water, and it immediately sank. The foreman, who had seen me,observed, "Well, they say that water will always find its own level."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2006 10:25 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2006 02:01 PM                        Rated G Alex Sign on the pet shop window--- "Every customer receives a free legless parakeet...No perches necessary"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2006 09:54 AM                        Rated G B.B. When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2006 10:01 AM                        Rated G B.B. Pun Crazy! Q. How do crazy people go through the forest? A. They take the psycho path. Q. How do you get holy water? A. Boil the hell out of it. Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A. "Dam!" Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids. Q. What do prisoners use to call each other? A. Cell phones. Q. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A. Nacho Cheese. Q. What do you call Santa's helpers? A. Subordinate Clauses. Q. What do you get from a pampered cow? A. Spoiled milk. Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 10:15 AM                        Rated G Sir Granville knew he faced a fierce battle from the invading Celtic hoards. He felt he could defeat the invaders even though his forces had been weakened by the previous battles. He sent his page to his closest neighboring Lord, Sir Symon, and requested assistance. Fearing an invasion of his own territory, Symon sent back only one of his knights to help Granville during the coming battle. The expected battle ensued, and the Lord's forces were virtually unharmed. There was only one major casualty, the knight sent by Symon who though alive had received multiple sword wounds to his chest and abdomen. The page was sent from battle to notify his lord of the results, He happily reported the success of the Lord's troops but was saddened to report, "Sy's lent knight's a holey knight."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2007 08:21 AM                        Rated G Puns - EVER WONDER - - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? - - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? - - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? - - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? - - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? - - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid - made with real lemons? - - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? - - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? - - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? - - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? - - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? - - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? - - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? - - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? - - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2007 01:21 PM                        Rated G B.B. A Good Pun is Its Own Reword ... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)  |  IP: Logged Adam Martin I'm not even gonna point out the irony. Posts: 3686 From: Dallas, TX Registered: Nov 2000 posted 06-08-2007 06:03 PM                     Visualize Whirled Peas  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2007 09:06 AM                        Rated G Stroade **PUNZ** ** Do forgers write wrongs? ** If Sir Lancelot dreamed about overthrowing King Arthur, would that be a Midslumber Knight's Scheme? ** Watches and clocks are always displayed and sold on a time table. ** Never use wet wood in your fireplace. You should always let weeping logs dry. ** A chicken in love is poultry emotion. ** Can you buy bottled water at a liquidation sale? ** Did you hear about the professional chef who gave up baking bread? Apparently he wasn't making enough dough. ** Are dog biscuits made out of collie flour? ** If a cannibal eats a missionary, does he get a taste of religion? ** Did I tell you about the big winner on "Jeopardy!"? He went home the next day and his wife said, "Who were those women I saw you outwit last night?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2008 04:35 PM                        Rated G B.B. Dieting Puns A diet is a weigh of life. It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds. It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 03:44 PM                        Rated G B.B. Puns A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 04:00 PM                        Rated G B.B. More Puns When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.  |  IP: Logged

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