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Author
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Topic: Puns & Riddles
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-14-2005 11:04 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
In 1621 a Plymouth band began playing because they wanted to see Plymouth Rock.
In 1634 the first twins were born in America on a two’s day.
In 1640 the first calendar was produced – everyone knew its days were numbered.
In 1803 the first chimney sweep was hired and everyone said, “Soot yourself!”
In 1806 liquor was first made in the U.S. – it soon went into mash production.
In 1841 the first suspenders were made, but the company was held up.
In 1865 Canada sold the U.S. a herd of 40,000 bison. Then America received a buffalo bill.
In 1868 the first dressmaker’s shop opened – it seemed to do very well.
In 1869 walnuts were first introduced to America – some thought they weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
In 1883 the first bakery opened on the yeast coast.
In 1888 chains were made for pocket watches – for people who couldn’t afford to lost time.
In 1889 the first lighter-than-air craft departed on its maiden voyage – everyone thought it was a lot of balloony.
In 1892 a shipment of fruit was delivered by boat – it was the first water-mailin’.
In 1898 the first submarine sandwich was introduced, but the company went under.
In 1905 the formula for rouge was reddy.
In 1909 rodent traps were invented with hope that a lot of people would gopher them.
In 1909 the first magician appeared on stage – he was so bad, he made the audience disappear.
In 1911 the first radical engine was marketed – the inventor said, “Diesel be very good.”
In 1911 the first pill to cure headaches was introduced, but people found it hard to swallow.
In 1912 the first ceramic coffee mug was invented by a couple of guys – everyone said they made a nice cupple.
In 1913 valentine-shaped candy boxes were made for sweet hearts.
In 1914 the Panama Canal locks opened, but they forgot the cream cheese.
In 1915 pancake makeup was invented, but most people still preferred syrup.
In 1920 the branding iron was invented – the cattle were really impressed.
In 1924 Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine – he was known as Jack the Wrapper.
In 1925 card playing reached the pinochle of success.
In 1931 the first shipment of hot dogs to the U.S. arrived from France – to pay off a foreign debt of 3 million francs.
In 1932 a banana-skin briefcase was made – for lawyers who wanted to appeal their cases.
In 1933 card playing was first banned aboard naval vessels – ships lost their decks.
In 1935 the first greyhound raced behind a restaurant – the biggest bet was made by a man with a hot dog.
In 1945 the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted.
In 1948 the first dentist was hired by the National League to put on baseball caps.
In 1949 the first tightrope walker was hired by a circus – he was high-strung.
In 1951 vegetable farmers from all over the world held a meeting – it was the first peas conference.
In 1958 two men invented the radial tire – everyone said they made a nice spare.
In 1961 the skateboard was invented – it was a wheely good idea.
In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but ladies tried to skirt the issue.
In the first sheep farm in America, sheep stood wool-to-wool.
Irving Berlin’s song about Easter bonnets became number one on the hat parade. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-14-2005 11:15 AM
Rated G
Sandals were invented by a man who thought the show must go on.
Sandpaper was patented in 1834 – the inventor really had it rough.
Since the straight pin was invented, many people have gotten stuck up.
Soda pop was first bottled in Pensa Cola.
Someone set the first automobile commercial to music and created the first car tune.
The dentist’s first gold tooth is called a flash in the pan.
The dye-makers’ convention held their first meeting in a tint.
The electric shaver was invented by a man who worked on it since he was a little shaver.
The first 40,000-story building opened in Brookline, Massachusetts – it was a library.
The first accountant to be hired by a circus was caught juggling the books.
The first airplane hangar was built for drip-dry planes.
The first airplane pilot’s license was made of fly paper.
The first alarm clock caused everyone to tock about it.
The first all-night bakery was run by a real dough nut.
The first archery contestant won by an arrow margin.
The first army dental unit had a good drill team.
The first art contest winners were chosen by a drawing.
The first artificial fish was the plastic sturgeon.
The first attorney wore a civil suit.
The first Australian beer was made out of kangaroo hops.
The first baby cookie was crying because his mother had been a wafer so long.
The first bad seafood salad was shrimp-ly awful.
The first bank without tellers was opened for people who believed that money talks.
The first barber shop was hair-conditioned.
The first bed bugs were brought to the Wild West by Buffalo Bill Cootie.
The first bird to fall into a can of varnish drowned, but it had a beautiful finish.
The first boat show had a yacht to offer.
The first book on wines was titled “Booze Who.”
The first building for optometrists became a site for sore eyes.
The first caddy used in golf was a tee totaller.
The first carpenter’s banquet served pound cake.
The first chair was made especially for royalty, but it was throne out.
The first Chinese lumberjack cut down trees with chop sticks.
The first Chinese mail delivery was made by boat – it delivered only junk mail.
The first clockmaker made a clock to make him rise and chime.
The first college marriage course was offered to give people a good wed-ucation.
The first conductor of the Boston Pops orchestra hired an assistant – the first band-aide.
The first cooking oil was bottled on Fry Day.
The first corn auction gave us auction-ears.
The first course for department-store Santa Clauses taught St. Nick knacks.
The first dancing school had waltz-to-waltz carpeting.
The first dentist had a tooth that drove him to extraction.
The first dentist to open an office in the Wild West was called a gum-slinger.
The first dentists’ banquet was held in 1927 – it was a $100 plate dinner: $50 for the upper and $50 for the lower.
The first diet was for people who were thick and tired of it all.
The first dock was built by a man who was liked by his pier group.
The first dog kennels were rented on a twenty-year leash.
The first dog obedience school had a large barking lot.
The first economics professor rode to class each day in a business cycle.
The first electrician studied current events.
The first exterminating company opened on a fly day.
The first firefly to fly into a fan was absolutely delighted.
The first flea market started from scratch.
The first formal affair for dentists was held at a gum ball.
The first frog-jumping contest was everybody hoppy.
The first garden tool repair shop allowed the inventor to make mower money.
The first golf assistant was called a “Tee Caddy.”
The first haunted house was opened to the public – it had 20 scream doors.
The first hill-climbing contest was held for slope pokes.
The first horse motel was opened to provide animals with a stable environment.
The first Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest.
The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked swinging nightclubs.
The first inspection of lobster catches was made by a claw-enforcement agency.
The first janitor’s union called for sweeping reforms.
The first king was crowned in a reign coat.
The first kitten that fell into a Xerox machine became a copycat.
The first laundryman was neurotic – he kept losing his buttons.
The first leather belt cost 90 cents – less than a buckle.
The first library was opened in Booklyn.
The first lubricant for wheels was caster oil.
The first macaroni factory in Chicago had to pasta inspection.
The first mail delivery by steamboat was authorized – it carried coast cards.
The first mail was delivered by dog sled – it arrived airedale spaniel delivery.
The first man to jump off the Eiffel Tower and land in the river was declared in Seine.
The first manufacturers of percussion instruments had to drum up business.
The first manufacturers of sugar had to take their lumps.
The first marble sculpture involved chip work.
The first marriage performed aboard a plane was a double-wing ceremony.
The first maternity ward was opened for people interested in the stork market.
The first merger of two fruit companies resulted in a perfect pear.
The first munitions manufacturer conference was a real blast.
The first music score was Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3.
The first musicians’ convention was held in Boston – it was well-staffed.
The first mythology exhibit was featured in a circus – it got centaur ring.
The first nudist convention received little coverage.
The first oboe music was printed for people who couldn’t reed.
The first official count of the U.S. population was made in 1790 – it made a lot of census.
The first optometry school put all its students in glass rooms.
The first orchestra was formed in Massachusetts, but it was band in Boston.
The first order of Chinese food to the White House weighed won ton.
The first pencil was thought to be pointless.
The first penny restaurant made lots of cents.
The first person in the monogram business achieved initial success.
The first person to have hard luck while gambling had to abandon chip.
The first person to stop playing in the handbell marathon won the No-Bell Piece Prize.
The first pig taken in a pawnshop was called a ham hock.
The first pocket-sized tape recorder was manufactured for people who liked small talk.
The first popcorn machine was invented by a Kentucky kernel.
The first postmaster got his job by stamping his feet.
The first price raise of sugar resulted in grocers raising cane.
The first prisoner’s play resulted in a cell-out.
The first railroad ran trains to Washington, D.C., so politicians could get on the right track.
The first recipe for beer was written as a brew-print.
The first restaurant to serve women only featured “Miss Steaks.
”
The first rubber man to join the circus got bounced.
The first saddle was made without foot pieces, but people thought it might stirrup trouble.
The first sardine factory ended up canning all its employees.
The first savings bank opened for guys and dollars.
The first school was a classy place.
The first séance was conducted and publicized by a spooksman.
The first shipment of pigs to Chicago were kept in a porking lot.
The first shoemaker who opened his shop had a lot of sole.
The first short dresses were called ‘dogs’ because you could peek-on-knees.
The first soft drink in Australia: Coca-Koala.
The first soldier to hide inside a cannon to avoid guard duty was finally discharged.
The first straw hats had their hay day.
The first sunbather was a fry in the ointment.
The first switchboard operator didn’t like her job but she kept plugging away at it.
The first tailor shop to offer credit gave everything on the cuff.
The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar.
The first telephone conversation was only eighteen feet apart – it was a close call.
The first thermometer was manufactured by a man with many degrees.
The first tree-climbing contest was held for those who wanted to limber up.
The first turkey farm had a gobblestone driveway.
The first use of shellac wasn’t successful, and it soon varnished from sight.
The first Venetian blinds were made by shady characters.
The first whitener for clothes was used in Miami Bleach.
The first wig for men brought about people who didn’t want
toupee bald.
The first wigs imported from the Orient came by hair mail.
The first woman sworn into the navy became a permanent Wave.
The first wrought-iron gate was made by a worker who called it very fency.
The guy who invented the circular saw wanted to take a shortcut.
The invention of cardboard belts led to the first waist paper.
The invention of the coffee percolator gave us grounds for celebration.
The inventor of lighter fluid became flamous.
The inventor of rubber gloves thought they came in very handy.
The inventor of the auto muffler said it was exhausting work.
The inventor of the lighthouse celebrated the occasion with beacon and eggs.
The inventor of the recliner got a chair of the profits.
The inventor of the relief map got a raise.
The inventor of the rocket went out to launch.
The inventor of the safety pin in 1849 wasn’t too successful at first, but he stuck to his work.
The inventor of tweezers thought that they would do in a pinch.
The largest candle in the world burned for a wick.
The lumberjack union was formed by a splinter group.
The man who got the first music patent got it for a song.
The man who invented rope built a huge hempire.
The man who invented the boomerang tried for a comeback.
The man who invented the football got a kick out of it.
The man who invented velvet made a nice pile.
The waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-14-2005 11:20 AM
Rated G
Waldo Graham holds the patent for artificial teeth – they were known as Graham clackers.
When adding machines were first used, they were so successful that they began to multiply.
When Boston began a cleanup campaign in 1946, it was the first grime wave.
When bread was first made commercially, everyone fell in loaf with it.
When chicken broth was first canned, everyone thought it was souper.
When cows were first shipped by raft, they travelled on cattle-logs.
When dynamite was first made, it did a booming business.
When electricity was first installed in an English castle, it marked the beginning of the first knight-light.
When hair dye was first packaged for home use, it really got to the root of the problem.
When hair rollers were invented, boys couldn’t use them – they were only for curls.
When laundry owners held their first convention, they sat on bleachers.
When margarine was invented, people said it was butter than nothing.
When metal bus tokens were first made, they were only worth tin cents.
When metal license plates were first distributed, many people tagged along.
When nylon stockings were first sold in the 1930’s, there was a run on them.
When peanuts were firsts packaged, the inventor hoped that they would shell fast.
When playing cards were invented, you could buy four suits for under a dollar for the first time.
When Scrabble was invented, many people sat down for a spell.
When small cushions were invented for sewing, people bought them for a pinny.
When soda was first bottled, the inventor’s son said, “That’s my pop!”
When surgical stitches were first used, the inventor said, “Suture self.”
When tanning oil was first bottled, it could only be used on sun-days.
When the first astronaut got married, the couple was known as “Mister and Missile.”
When the first automatic packaging machine was invented, the inventor made a bundle.
When the first ax was developed, many people put it on their chopping list.
When the first barber shop school opened, everyone graduated at the head of his class.
When the first barber supply company burned, it was just a brush fire.
When the first bicycle repair shop opened, the owner became the industry’s spokes-man.
When the first book was written on watchmaking, everyone thought it was about time.
When the first broom was invented, the inventor was so tired, he went to sweep.
When the first canine scale was made, it weighed only in dog pounds.
When the first chess tournament was held, the winner received a check.
When the first circuit breaker was introduced, people re-fused to use it.
When the first cookie factory burned down, everyone had free fire crackers.
When the first credit card was issued, people got a charge out of it.
When the first crossword puzzle was printed, the creator received $5,000 down and $2,000 across.
When the first diet club was formed, it was a losing proposition.
When the first diving school was opened, graduates got a deep-loma.
When the first escalator was used, everyone said it was a step in the right direction.
When the first giraffe was exhibited in a zoo, everyone paid a neckle to see it.
When the first hamburger press was made, its inventor got a patty on his back.
When the first ice cream cone was shown at a press conference, newsmen got a big scoop.
When the first indoor jogging machine was made, people bought it to get a run for their money.
When the first indoor tennis court was built, the builder made a net profit.
When the first infant stroller was made, some babies got a little buggy.
When the first interlocking jigsaw puzzle was invented, it caused a national craze as the whole country went to pieces.
When the first mailbox was invented, everyone knew it would happen sooner or letter.
When the first marble building was erected, everyone took it for granted.
When the first medical school opened in 1900, it was stitched closed.
When the first miniskirts became popular, worried husbands said the thigh was the limit.
When the first national cooking champion was crowned, she appeared on TV on a program called “The Spice Is Right.”
When the first pain killer was marketed, it saved a lot of moaney.
When the first rodeo was held, the cowboys got a few bucks out of it.
When the first self-winding clock was made, everyone was tickled.
When the first textile school opened, the students became very materialistic.
When the first flower show was held, the first prize was a bloom ribbon.
When the inventor of the first elastic girdle was asked if it worked, he replied, “Of corset does!”
When the inventor sold his patent for malted milk, he felt he got a fair shake.
When the tailor’s wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
When thread was first made, everyone said, “Darn it!”
When ties were first worn, they were very collar full.
When water pistols were first sold, stores had squirtains on their windows.
When Willy Wonka made the first chocolate bar, he said, “Isn’t that sweet?”
When windows were first installed in the Empire State Building, they were a pane in the glass.
When wooden money was first issued, it was a sliver dollar.
When wooden shoes were first introduced, people lumbered around in them.
When wrought iron was first used for decoration, people were very grate-full.
Whoever built the first marble building had difficulty – it kept rolling away.
William Canby invented the first computing scales – just proves that when there’s a Will there’s a weigh.
World’s first funny animal: a stand-up chameleon.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-04-2006 07:37 AM
Rated G B.B.
There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.
One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy. Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream.
Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly. Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the liter.
He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain. Yorgi realized that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's milk.
Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-02-2006 02:29 PM
Rated G
A little old lady was selling seashells on a street corner. One afternoon a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. "How about some nice seashells?" she asked. "No, thank you," the man replied.
Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement, "What's wrong?" asked the man. "I'm going fast," the old woman wheezed. "Please buy some shells."
Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut. The next day the man was walking down a neighboring street and saw the woman again vending her wares.
"Hey," he yelled to a nearby police officer, "I thought she passed away yesterday."
The officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, but you were conned," he said "You see, she sells seashells by the seizure."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-21-2006 12:54 PM
Rated G B.B.
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-28-2006 12:58 PM
Rated G
William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook and lover. One day, after he had prepared a new stew for his mistress, he tasted the concoction, smacked his lips together once or twice, then said, "I think there is still something MISSING. What do you think?" He passed the spoon to the maiden.
She, too, smacked her lips as she sampled the stew and commented, "Only thyme, Will Tell."
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