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Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:29 AM                        Rated G B.B. A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked by the reporter why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, 'We selected these two men to make life simpler for the vast majority of Americans. The reporter then asked, 'How can this make life simpler for Americans?' The official responded, 'Well, now, when they toss a coin they can simply call, 'Ted's or Hale's.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:40 AM                        Rated G Tounge In Cheek Puns 1. He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine. 2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. 6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 9. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 12. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I. 13. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 14. Definition of a will: A dead give away. 15. 30. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. 16. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. 18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 19. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? 20. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. 21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. 22. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 23. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 24. Every calendar's days are numbered. 25. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. 26. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 04:22 PM                        Rated G With the passing of Pope John-Paul,the Cardinals have now elected Pope Benedict,but did you know he was not the first choice?? Most popular was Robert Dunning, currently in South Africa, an American and WWII veteran. Dunning enlisted at the beginning of the conflict and became a fighter pilot, unfortunately he was shot down on his second mission which resulted in the loss of his arm. Not able to fly anymore, he joined the priesthood and ministered to the troops for the remainder of the war. After the war,Father Dunning received his calling to Southern Africa,and despite his disability continued to fly a small plane ministering and spreading the word to the many small villages. Around the year 2000 he contracted Purpa, a disease which leaves the skin with a very purplish color.This disease spread and caused the loss of one eye before being controlled. His service to the people of Africa has gained him wide recognition in the Church,and was the most favored for candidate for Pope among many Cardinals. His name was finally withdrawn however because not everyone was willing to accept a one eyed, one armed, flying purple papal leader  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 10:58 AM                        Rated G Five days from now will be the 127th anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. It was called "Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 02:35 PM                        Rated G B.B. New Disease A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 07:34 AM                        Rated G Gerry During a whistle-stop campaign, the presidential candidate's train hopped the track and ran roughshod through a farmer's field. Several animals were killed and the politician agreed to reimburse him, making it the first and only time a politician took responsibility for the bulls hit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 07:13 AM                        Rated G General, a police horse was laid to rest yesterday after an horrific car accident. It was an open funeral. The Boston mare was there as were several hundred police officers. The eulogist was hoarse, but he did not stirrup any trouble and was happy to be saddled with this fond work.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 07:15 AM                        [b]Rated G Lorraine/b] General Motors has just come out with a pill to stop car sickness. They've named it CHEVROLAIDS.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 07:49 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self- satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water." --Dave Barry  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 07:58 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The English dramatist, Ben Jonson, was asked by a friend to make up a pun. "Pun what subject?" was his quick reply. The friend chuckled and said, "Oh, the king." Ben replied, "But the king is not a subject; he is the king!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 08:02 AM                        Rated G B.B. Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 08:04 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Harry Truman, inviting guests to his home in Independence for one of Bess' home-sooked meals, often quipped, "Missouri loves company."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 12:19 PM                        Rated G Alanv71 SKY have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 09:34 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A man raised animals on a small farm in the Midwest. The farm was a peaceful place. One day a pig was found dead in the barn. Upset, the farmer was determined to find who was responsible for this dastardly deed. The only witness was a rabbit. The farmer lined up all the suspects: a cow, a young goat, a horse and a rooster. He told the rabbit to pick out the killer. The rabbit hopped up and down the line. He stopped and nodded his head at the young goat. Nervously, the accused goat said, "I didn't do it!" The farmer replied, "Hare's looking at you, kid."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 09:46 AM                        Rated G B.B. There's nothing grate about sliced cheese. - Daniel Riehs  |  IP: Logged

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