my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Puns & Riddles (Page 10)

This topic comprises 20 pages: 1  2  3  ...  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  ...  18  19  20

Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2003 01:14 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully. Oddly,each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard," "Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor. "You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?" "Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor! ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ * ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 07:06 AM                        Rated G Louise Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.. -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 08:15 AM                        Rated G Louise A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit,and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached,the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.Thinking quickly,he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time,took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No,I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 04:03 PM                        Rated G Alex Entering a remote inn on a cold and rainy night, I was stopped by a small man who told me he was sick, tired, and broke, and would I provide him with enough for a warm indoors room for the night? Feeling sorry for him and having not yet my monthly tithe for charitable works, I bought him a room at the inn. As we headed upstairs, he told me he was really a leprechaun, but a bad one, and that he had already used up the gold. What he had left was a magic talking cloth which would give good advice when asked. He gave it to me and told me to use it wisely. We parted ways. I got up to my room and it had two beds. I asked the cloth in which bed should I sleep -- it told me to take the one away from the window. In the middle of the night, the wind rose and a tree limb crashed through the window onto the other bed. What a miraculous instrument the fellow had given me! The next morning I resumed my journey. And when I came to a fork in the road, I asked my newfound companion which way I should go. "I can't tell you now," came the reply. "I'm a night towel."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 04:50 PM                        Rated G Alex A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him. He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing. And the guy replies - "I'm hunting you idiot... can't you see that !" "OK, OK..." says the barman, "Would you like a drink while you hunt ?". Immediately the hunter says, " Do you have any cheap Gin !!?". Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies, "No I'm sorry I'm all out of the cheap stuff is there anything else you'd like ? ". No" says the hunter and he starts to leave. As he reaches the door the barman calls after him, "By the way, pal, exactly what do you hunt?" " I hunt for cheap gin you bumbling idiot! Couldn't you tell that - I'm a BarGIN Hunter!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 04:59 PM                        Rated G Riddle What do you get when you cross a skunk and a giant? . . . . . . . . .. I don't know but it stinks to high heaven.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 05:02 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: How can you tell which end of a worm is which? . . . . . . . . . ANSWER: Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 06:28 AM                        Rated PG What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? . . . . . . . . . The pickpocket snatches your watch.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 07:04 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee What did the forgetful skunk say when the wind changed direction? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . It’s all coming back to me now!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 01:13 PM                        Rated G A young couple was making passionate love in a van which was complete with shag carpets and a double mattress.Suddenly,the kinky girl yelled out,"Oh, big boy,whip me,whip me!" The man didn't want to pass up this unique opportunity.So,in a flash of inspiration,he ran outside and snapped the aerial from the hood of the van. He then proceeded to whip her until they both collapsed in sado- masochistic ecstasy. A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the kinky sex were beginning to fester, so she went to the doctor. The doctor took one look at her wounds and said,"I don't suppose you got these marks while having kinky sex." The embarrassed girl admitted,"Yes, sir, they are." The doctor nodded and remarked,"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring I've never seen such a bad case of van aerial disease."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-21-2003 05:55 PM                        LUELLA BOBBITT Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her infamous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Luella has been charged with a Misdewiener. Oh, don't groan. You know you're going to send this on to somebody.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 01:55 PM                        Rated G Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley,famed sharp-shooter of the Old West,had a sister. The sister,Carrie,gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West,but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known. Today,countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:38 PM                        Rated G Michele What did Phil Harris say to his wife when she didn't want to go out and see the lights on their Alaskan cruise? "Does the Aurora bore you, Alice?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:52 PM                        Rated G Michele It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter, and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers. Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2003 03:10 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Lowell, Massachusetts, an old New England mill town wanting to attract more tourists held a brainstorming session. One bright marketing guy suggested that since German tourists like to travel with their dogs,that they experiment with using the old mills as pet hotels. That way, while in America, these tourists could house the animals there conveniently ... and who knows but what they would spend time (and some of their money) touring the countryside as well. After a few months,supporters asked how the experiment was going."Just listen!" said the manager: "The Mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!" [ 01-06-2004, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 20 pages: 1  2  3  ...  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  ...  18  19  20

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.