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Author
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Topic: Puns & Riddles
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-18-2003 07:16 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) PUNS
A good pun is its own reword. Even bad puns are worth reading by a groan man or woman.
A good pun is its own reword. (In case you missed the pun the first time!)
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
A backward poet writes in inverse.
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Local Area Network in Australia; the LAN down under.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy your vote counts, In feudalism your count votes.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a
spectacle of himself.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-04-2003 04:18 PM
Rated G
There once was a chicken farmer who lived in a small village in
China.One year,all of his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers.
The farmer was deeply concerned about this,because winter was
coming,and,the chickens had no feathers,they would freeze to
death.So,farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land.
First,he visited Mr. Ching,the renowned scholar.Mr. Ching leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and poured
over books and scrolls well into the night.Finally,he returned
to the farmer and told him that if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder,made it into tea,and fed it to his chickens,they would be cured.
The farmer then went to Mr. Ming,the great seer.Mr.Ming cast stones,read tea leaves,and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer:"Tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chicken."
Now the farmer was ecstatic.The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription,so,as soon as he returned home,he took some gum leaves and made tea from them.He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens.
But it didn't work.The chickens continued to lose their feathers,and,with the onset of winter,they all froze.
moral of this story:
"All of Ching's courses and all of Ming's ken, couldn't get gum
tea to feather a hen!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-23-2003 05:58 AM
Rated G
Back during the days of expansion to the west,people traveled by
stagecoach.This was not a particularly comfortable way to go,
with the bumpy paths and crowded seats.However,there wasn’t much choice.
Being in business to make money,the operators of these
stagecoaches tried to think of various ways to increase revenue on each trip.People were willing to pay not only to ride out west,but they were willing to pay to ship things to friends and
relatives who had already relocated.Of course,passengers were
the most lucrative.So it follows that the more people you could
transport on each trip,the more money the company made.
With that in mind,these companies began restricting passengers to being under a certain weight,in order to fit three people in a seat instead of only two.Not only was this extremely
uncomfortable for the travelers,but it became obvious to those
wishing to relocate that there would be no west for the reary.
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