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Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 09:40 AM                        Rated G PUNS She beat him to the garden by pre-seeding him. He worked at a factory making eye glasses and was pushed into the machine. He made a spectacle of himself. He was framed. A sports match was attended by many scores. The weather bureau is an umbrella organization. The forest ranger reunited a mother with her cubs and had to bring all his expertise to bear. A ship was lost at sea until they founder remains. The jam thief had his own jargon. He became a vegetarian because he couldn't make ends meat. To find the marionnette I wanted, I had to pull a couple of strings. A farmer brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 04:36 PM                        Rated G 1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 2. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 3. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 4. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 6. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 7. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired 8. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 9. Every calendar's days are numbered. 10. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 04:39 PM                        Rated G 1. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 2. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 3. Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles. 4. There is some Confucion about the oldest religion in China. 5. If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia. 6. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time. 7. Italian building inspectors in Pisa are leanient. 8. Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece? 9. I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'. 10. In a Scandinavian race the last Lapp crossed the Finnish line  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 04:42 PM                        Rated G 1. If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack! 2. Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food. 3. If you get sick at the airport it could be a terminal illness. 4. An astronaut broke the law of gravity and got a suspended sentence. 5. Travelling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience. 6. To become a pilot requires a good altitude. 7. An astronaut wrote about flying twice to the moon. It was double spaced. 8. An astronaut who fails on a weightlessness experiment must be aware of the gravity of the situation. 9. When astronauts die they run an orbituary. 10. Before an airline changes a process they have to have a pilot project to find out if the idea will fly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 06:15 AM                        Rzted G Puns 1. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. 2. Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run. 3. Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you. 4. The headlines nobody likes are wrinkles. 5. I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand. 6. Your nose is in the scenter of your face. 7. Artificial knees and elbows were developed during a joint project. 8. This old shoe is on its last leg. 9. Vampires are always looking for their necks victim. 10. Being able to fit size 14 shoes is quite a feet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 06:18 AM                        Rated G Puns 1. Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too. 2. A dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail. 3. A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer. 4. Dentists practice by going through many drills. 5. My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in. 6. Dentists have their own flossify on how to keep teeth clean. 7. Ten years without brushing causes horrible tooth decade. 8. A dentist gets on everybody's nerves. 9. Going to the dentist can be very full filling. 10. They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 12:36 PM                        Rated G Riddle Always old,sometimes new,never sad,sometimes blue.Never empty, sometimes full,never pushes,always pulls.What am I? Scroll Down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .The Moon  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 05:48 AM                        Rated G PUNS Baby Blues Okay, People, A friend and I got into a punwar on cheesy titles. Here are the results of our warped minds. (We mozzarella been out of our minds! But what a whey to go..) "Inna-Gouda-Da-Vida" "Let it Brie" "Ricotta Get Out of This Place" "Cheeses Christ Superstar" "Your Cheesing Heart" "Bleu (cheese) Suede Shoes" "Nacho Man" "Muenster Mash" "The Guns of Provolone" "The Scarlet Cheddar" "East of Edam" "The Velveeta Rabbit" [ 04-27-2003, 04:12 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2003 04:16 AM                        Rated G It was time again for the annual ostrich hunt. Ollie,an old and well-known ostrich,was tired after all these years and he couldn't run much anymore.But,he didn't relish getting himself killed either,so he came up with a plan.He stripped off his feathers,got some brown paint,and put a pillow on his back.Now,he looked just like any camel he had ever seen. Well,Ollie survived the first day and the second too.But,on the third day,a hunter shot and killed Ollie. Asked later how he managed to get the old legendary ostrich,the hunter replied,"He fooled me at first,but it didn't take me too long to see through his camel flaws."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2003 04:21 AM                        Rated G PARROT DROPPINGS I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative.I bought a beautiful golden cage to keep him in.As I said,he is very friendly and everyone loves him. Lately,however,his droppings have become quite odoriferous.It had reached the point where you couldn't walk in the room without feeling nauseous.I tried various household solutions to clean the cage,and get rid of the odors but none would work. Finally the bird, himself, came up with the solution, I heard him singing,"Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:24 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Jim Finn,the noted biologist,was stumped.He'd spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp.The population,despite all efforts at predator control,was declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finn went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce.Trom brewed up a new adhesive,made from a dash of this,a spoonful of that and, most critically,one part sodium. "You mean..." Jim said when told. "Yes," said Tom, "they needed mono-sodium glue to mate."  |  IP: Logged Arthur Allen Film Handler Posts: 99 From: Renton, WA, USA Registered: Aug 2001 posted 05-22-2003 03:14 PM                        Rated PG This Film-Tech joke brought to you by Wu Pass Beer. If someone gets in your face about your choice of beer, open up a can of Wu Pass on them! And, coming soon, look for Wy Pass Quality Bathroom Tissue.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 11:56 PM                        Rated G A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends,they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book,followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry,young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book.However,his mother stops him and admonishes him saying,"Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually,thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge.On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used,this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany,thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic,his competitors complained that it was only a cheapSioux Veneer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G BIRDIE STORY ~~~~ "I can't make it;" The baby pigeon said, "I'm getting too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine." The baby pigeon started to cry. What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"  |  IP: Logged

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