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Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 11:47 AM                        Rated G Michele Most elementary school children will be able to tell you that the first American flag was made by Betsy Ross. What they are not taught was that she was also a social scientist who developed the techniques now used by Gallop and others. It started when she asked a group of colonists what they thought of the flag she had made. This was the origin of ...the flag poll.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:31 AM                        Rated G Rated PG Michele In the Days of King Arthur, the feast-halls of Camelot were renowned for their multi-course elaborate banquets. Much of the fame was due to the tireless efforts of THL Manuel de la Vega, the great Chatelaine of the castle. He micro-managed almost everything, and with great success; from the folded napkins at each plate to the after-dinner brandy, every banquet was perfect. He was banned from the kitchen, however, for the Chef was a proud man, and not willing to tolerate "help" from anyone. Still, things were fine. But one day... The feast was going well; the antipasto was divine, the fish course was elegant, the cheese went over well, and in short, everything was going swimmingly. The next course was due, and no one was coming out of the kitchen. Frantic with worry, and not able to go check on the problem, Manuel approached the great Merlin, wizard of the court. "Merlin, my friend, can you go check on why the delay of the soup?" And before the Great Merlin could utter a word, Manuel added, "Don't let them see you, or the chef will quit!" Merlin looked at his friend, and replied: "I can get in there unseen... I will not be able to get back quickly, so I will send you a magic message. Will that be okay?" Getting a grateful nod from the Chatelaine, Merlin, good friend that he was, turned himself into a blue-bottle fly, and flew to the great kitchen of the keep. There he saw true chaos, the Maestro of food had let an apprentice watch the next course, and the poor lad failed in his duty! As far as Merlin could tell, the simple fact was: the chef (or his assistant) had burnt the consommé! Too tired to fly back to the hall, Merlin caused a piece of parchment to appear before his friend, and it said: "To Manny, Cooks spoil the Broth!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2004 09:25 AM                        Rated G A research group on sea animals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing,they prepared to set it free. "Wait a minute" said one of the researchers,wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here would amputate the feet so it would be like all the other porpoises? "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,"That would be defeeting the porpoise."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 10:47 AM                        Rated G The casinos in Las Vegas have something new for the gambler: races between rabbits and rodents. If you don't want to bet any bunny, you can always baccarat!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 03:06 PM                        Rated G Michele There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air. You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:28 AM                        Rated G Michele In the Bronx, NY, lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did begin to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for. Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had. "Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy." "For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, "Why can't you call a spayed a spayed?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:24 PM                        Rated G The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on his small holding. He preferred to have his draft horses pull this plow and wagons. Unfortunately, a group of small birds insisted in forming nests in the horses manes, which prevented him from hitching the reins properly. The farmer tried every method he could think of to get rid of the pesky birds. He tried lotions, potions, and notions. He kept the stable colder, he kept it warmer. He went to horse doctors, he went to bird specialists. He called his congressman, he called the Dept. of Agriculture. He trimmed the manes as much as he could. He tried loud noises, cat noises, classical music. Nothing would induce the birds to leave his horses alone. In desperation, he went to an Indian medicine man from a nearby reservation. The medicine man, listening to his story, gave him some vile smelling yeast extract to rub into the manes. Amazingly, it worked. Within two days, the birds had all fled and the horses were back to work. The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but puzzled with the methodology. He went back to the medicine man and inquired about how a simple extract of yeast was able to solve a problem that many veterinarians and the Department of Agriculture couldn't. The medicine man replied, "Simple. Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2004 09:46 AM                        Rated G Michele My brother is in quite a pickle. He has a serious inner ear problem and needs surgery soon, or he'll lose his hearing in that ear. He doesn't have insurance, though, and of course, the surgery is very expensive. He has found a solution, though. A local elderly widow has offered to pay for the whole operation, but only if he'll marry her afterwards. But she's fifty years older than him! You could call this a wife or deaf situation.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2004 12:20 PM                        Rated G Mr. Combs had a furniture store, specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had walking pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway. He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine. He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it. Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule If it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2005 11:39 AM                        Rated G Chris The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might,he just could not make up his mind.Unwilling to give up either,he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2005 10:37 AM                        Rated G A man stopped in a small country restaurent for lunch while driving through town. Unfortunately, the place was packed to the limit, and he couldn't find anywhere to sit. He was, however, amazed when one of the waitresses solved his problem by actually folding back one of the long counters, thus creating room for him. When he remarked on this incredible device, the waitress explained to him that it was a locally developed product made entirely of dried cow pies! "No way!" the man exclaimed. The waitress was dead serious. "Around here," she said, "we call them closing counters of the turd kind."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2005 11:18 AM                        Rated G The famous movie star, Henry Fonda, was making a film in New Orleans years ago and took a liking to the local spirit called absinthe. He drank quite a bit every evening upon completion of the film's daily shooting. After several weeks of film making (and drinking), Mr. Fonda started having pains in his chest. He was immediately rushed to the local hospital. They took his medical history and gave him a full screening of tests. The diagnosis was that he had an enlarged heart. Since the condition was a new one and of concern, he queried the attending physician. The doctor responded that his patient shouldn't be surprised about the situation. "Your condition is obvious," the physician told him, "because absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2005 10:36 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!". 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that; you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of their other son. Her husband responds, "Why, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2005 10:13 AM                        Rated G Michele Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.' Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.' Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?' Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.' Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.' Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2005 10:22 AM                        Rated G Michele We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic. My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother. "Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting, only." "Only one child on a swing at a time." (There were a good twenty rules.) The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table. Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first! I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves. "Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"  |  IP: Logged

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