A good pun is its own reword.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery!

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative!

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time!.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before!

Practice safe eating - always use condiments!

I fired my masseuse because she rubbed me the wrong way!

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death!

I used to work in a blanket factory, until it folded!

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me
the ax!

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy!

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor!

Did you know that without geometry, life is pointless?

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination!

A man says to a friend, "I've got a riddle for you. If there were three crows on a fence post and I shot one, how many would be left?"

Without hesitating, the friend says, "Two left."

"You don't get the point," the man says. "Listen to the riddle. There were three crows on a fence post. Then I shot one. How many would be left?"

"Two left," the friend says again.

"No," the man says in a superior tone of voice. "None would be left, because if I shot one then the other two would fly away."

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.

--proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

When did people start punning?

If you tossed a grenade into a French kitchen, would you get Linoleum Blownapart?

Do backwards poets write inverse?

Do hungry clocks go back four seconds?

Are your calendar’s days numbered?

When puns are outlawed, will only outlaws have puns?

Will this ever stop? Yes, right now. But who pushed the “start” button in the first place?

Believe it or not, in the beginning, or pretty close to it, was the pun.

It’s no coincidence that the name Adam comes from ancient Hebrew for both man and earth – from dust we come . . .. And The New Testament’s, “Thou art Peter and on this rock I will build my church.” (Matthew 16:1), is a pun, but only if you know Greek and realize that Peter is “Petros” and rock, “petra.”

TRICK QUESTION

Snow White was given a camera as a gift, and happily she went about taking photos of the dwarfs and their surroundings.

When she finished the roll of film, she took it to be developed in the local town.

Several days later, she went to collect her photos, but they hadn't come back from the processor yet.

Naturally, Snow White was disappointed and began to cry.

The clerk at the store, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry, someday your prints will come!"

A real eye-roller...

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce.

I loved it so much I now put on everything -- meat, fish, toast, vegetables... everything!"

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

A Real Groaner

Mary Poppins was on her way to California to help some children
needing guidance and supervision, and she had almost reached her
destination when she was blown off course by a strong storm.

She decided to stop and take shelter at a small hotel. When she went
to the front desk to check in, she asked the clerk if the hotel
restaurant was still open and he replied that it had closed for
the evening, but she was still able to call room service and order
something to be delivered to her room.

The clerk handed her a small menu, and highly recommended the
cauliflower bread sticks that were becoming famous for their
tastiness, and were dipped into a special sauce, which was equally
delicious.

Mary Poppins thought that it sounded very appetizing, so she asked if she could order that for supper, and go ahead and order something to be brought to her room for breakfast. The clerk said, "Yes, ma'am. And what would you like for breakfast?"

"I would like four poached eggs, if you please," replied Mary.

After she checked in, the clerk called in her order to the kitchen, and Mary went off to her room.

The next morning, Mary came to the front desk to check out.

The clerk asked her if she enjoyed her stay and if the meals were to
her liking.

Mary Poppins, ever truthful, replied, "Well, the evening meal was very delicious, but quite frankly I didn't like the eggs at all!"

The clerk replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am... however we would appreciate it if you would write any comments that you might have in our Guest Suggestions book over there, because we always want to please our guests."

After checking out at the front desk, Mary wrote a brief note in the Guest Suggestions book, waved goodbye and left. The clerk was curious and looked at her entry. It read:

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?

Evi

I ran across a man in the park. He was sitting on a park bench
wearing a chef's hat and a white uniform.
He looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I haven't worked in two years." he said. "My brother is in jail,
and people think that because he's a thief, I must be a theif
too."

He took a moment to stare off into the distance. He looked back at
me and said, "I really wish people wouldn't judge a cook by it's
brother."

I have twin brothers who are eleven years older.

I felt shorted because my daddy would say "buffalo" to them when they would leave for school or work.

He didn't say anything strange or cute like that to me.

You see, it wouldn't work for a daughter. He said buffalo instead of "Bye Son".

Brain teasers that will make you groan ...

1) A murderer is condemned to death.  He has to choose between three rooms.  The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.  Which room is safest for him?

2) A woman shoots her husband.  Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.  Finally, she hangs him.  But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.  How can this be? 

3) There are two plastic jugs filled with water.  How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug? 

4) What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? 

5) Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 

6) This is an unusual paragraph.  I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.  It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it.  In fact, nothing is wrong with it!  It is unusual though.  Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd.  But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. 

Answer's Below
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Answers:

1) The third.  Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 

2) The woman was a photographer.  She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. 

3) Freeze them first.  Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel.  You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. 

4) The answer is Charcoal. 

5) Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 

6) The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph...

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