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Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2002 04:51 PM                        Rated R Riddle "What do you get when you cross a donkey with and an onion? Usually you just get an onion with long ears but once in a while you get a piece of ass thats brings you to tears."  |  IP: Logged Arthur Allen Film Handler Posts: 99 From: Renton, WA, USA Registered: Aug 2001 posted 11-30-2002 01:36 PM                        Rated PG-13 A friend of mine likes to play tricks on me that literally scare the shit out of me. With friends like that, who needs enemas?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2002 01:33 PM                        Rated G Riddles How did the patient get to the hospital so fast? Flu. How do mice kiss? Mouse-to-mouse (mouth-to-mouth). How do mummies behave? In a grave manner. How do you keep a rhinoceros from charging? Take away his credit cards. How do you know that carrots are good for the eyes? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing eyeglasses? How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? Make him sit up front. How does a snake feel when he sheds his skin? Snaked. If a buttercup is yellow, what colour is a hiccup? Burple. If a telegraph operator from California married a telephone operator from Arizona, what would they become? A western union. If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get? Missile toe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2002 01:36 PM                        Rated G M0re Riddles If you cross a dog and an egg, what would you get? A pooched (poached) egg. If you cross ducks and cows, what would you have? Quackers (crackers) and milk. If you crossed King Kong and a bell, what would you have? A ding-dong King Kong. If you found a $10 bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have? Someone else's coat. If you need a loan, who do you see in the bank? The Loan Arranger (Lone Ranger). In what kind of home do the buffalo roam? A very dirty one. What causes a black eye? A guided muscle (missile). What did George Washington say to his men before crossing the Delaware by boat? "Get in!" What did Paul Revere say when he finished his famous ride? "Whoa!" What did the astronaut see on his skillet? Unidentified frying (flying) objects.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2002 01:39 PM                        Rated G More Two Riddles What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? "I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand." What did the cannibal have for lunch? Baked beings (beans). What do bees do with all their honey? Cell (sell) it. What do liars do after they die? Lie still. What do two oceans say when they meet? They don't say anything, they just wave. What do you call a knife that cuts four loaves of bread at the same time? A four-loaf cleaver (clover). What do you call a sunburn on your stomach? Pot roast. What do you call Eskimo cows? Eskimoos. What do you call it when pigs do their laundry? Hogwash! What do you get if you cross a canary and a tiger? I don't know, but when it sings you'd better listen.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2002 01:45 PM                        Rated G More Four Riddles What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot? A walkie-talkie. What do you get if you cross a chick and a guitar? A chicken that makes music when you pluck it. What do you get if you cross a clock and a chicken? An alarm cluck (clock). What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel,a poodle and a rooster? A cockapoodledoo. What do you get if you cross a homing pigeon and a woodpecker? A bird that not only delivers messages, but also knocks on the door. What does a mummy child call its parents? Mummy and Deady. What does a person have to know before teaching tricks to a dog? More than the dog. What goes, "Clomp, clomp, clomp, squish. Clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?" An elephant with a wet sneaker. What happened when the Scotsman went to buy clothes? He got kilt (killed). What happens when a bird flies into a fan? You get shredded tweet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2002 10:35 AM                        Rated G Rhyme Time Riddle Answers! What Is A Silly Mistake Made By A Police Officer? Trooper Blooper What Do You Call A Top Notch Detective? Super Snooper What Do You Call A Murder Detective? Stabber Nabber What Do You Call A Computer Nerd From Athens? Greek Geek What Do You Call A Coop Where Ducks Are Kept? Quack Shack What Do You Call A Snack Thief? Frito Bandito What Do You Call A Wealthy Tattletale? Rich Snitch What Do You Call A Fake Anthony? Phony Tony What Do You Call The Lid On The Popcorn Maker? Popper Stopper What Do You Call A Talkative Taxi Driver? Gabby Cabby What Do You Call Branded Beef? Tatooed Food What Do You Call A Tired Puppy? Groggy Doggy  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2002 07:58 AM                        Rated G The Stagecoach Dream I had a dream the other night.I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly,a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down,pulls open the door,and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach.Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off,I yelled out, "What was all that about?" He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:59 AM                        Rated G Christmas Riddles Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell. Doctor: Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring. Patient: Doctor, I'm scared of Father Christmas. Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2002 12:16 PM                        Rated G What do men and noodles have in common? They're always in hot water; they lack taste, and they need dough. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'ed be Bagels.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2002 04:13 PM                        Rated G A man was explaining to his marriage counselor how he really loved his wife, Edith, but he just couldn't drop his mistress, Kate. The marriage counselor shook his head and said, You can't have your Kate and Edith too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 08:04 AM                        Rated G Q: What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A: A receding hairline!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 10:05 AM                        Rated G Medevival Pun Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!" "Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied. She waited day and night, but it none came to rescue her, just as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress. After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her,"You see?I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 10:33 AM                        Rated G .............Riddle LIP tiptoe LIP . . . . . . . . . . Answer: Tiptoe thru the tulips  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2003 06:47 AM                        Rated G RIDDLE Age Problem My age today is three times what it will be three years from now minus three times what my age was three years ago. How old am I? .(Scroll Down for Answer) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Answer: The math way: X = The current age. X=3(X+3)-3(X-3) X=18. If I was 18 then three times my age three years from now would be 21*3 (63). Three times my age three years ago would be 15*3 (45). Subtract 45 from 63 and I am 18.  |  IP: Logged

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