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Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 04:53 PM                        Rated G If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2005 07:32 AM                        Rated G My brother and his wife stopped at the grocery store to pick up thyme and honey. As they approached the checkout, it occurred to Jasmine that she might be short of cash. "Don't worry," my brother was quick to reassure her. "If you have the honey money, I've got the thyme."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 09:30 AM                        Rated G The Constitution The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said, "Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?" Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?" "No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves." "Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the constitution?" "What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?" "Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2005 10:34 AM                        Rated G There was a crowd of bees flying around one day. These bees were most peculiar. They were powered by gasoline, rather than the allergenic goodies that bees usually eat. As the crowd flew along, periodically a bee or two would start to sputter; it would fly down to a gas station, drink up the gas spilled in fueling a car, and then fly up and rejoin the crowd. One bee began to sputter a little, but flew right by an open gas station. As he passed the second station, he coughing badly, but still he flew on. Finally, as he was on his last fumes, he dove down to a station and gassed up. When he rejoined the crowd, his neighbor challenged him: "Look, you passed right by an open station when you started to get low. You passed another station when you were perilously low. And finally, you ran out of gas just in time to glide into that last station. Are you crazy?" He replied, "Well, it's like this. The first station was a Gulf station. I really don't like Gulf at all. The second station was a Texaco station. That's even worse. But the third station was an Esso station. Let me tell you, Esso is my brand of gasoline. You know what they say don't you? ... There's an Esso Bee in every crowd!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 07:47 AM                        Rated G Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers. After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers." "I quit," said Ethel. "But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!" "Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2005 01:09 PM                        Rated G Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. "Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked". "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.I've changed."..."I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:02 AM                        Rated G A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 12:13 PM                        Rated G John Wayne Museum A show business museum in Hollywood is presenting an exhibit on the career of the late and great actor John Wayne. One of the featured items is a pair of yellowy-brownish colored gravestones bearing his name, date of birth, and the titles of his most memorable movies. The museum has decided to call the exhibit... "The Amber Graves of Wayne."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:34 PM                        Rated G JT It is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe. It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation? "We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:36 PM                        Rated G JT The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2005 06:52 AM                        Rated G A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 07:39 AM                        Rated G - EVER WONDER - - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? - - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? - - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? - - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? - - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? - - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid - made with real lemons? - - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? - - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? - - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? - - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? - - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? - - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? - - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? - - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? - - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 03:02 PM                        Rated G A bee farm was started by a man who wanted to keep buzzy. A Redneck farmer first used a duck as an alarm clock – it woke him up at the quack of dawn. A Filipino man was hired by the circus as a contortionist – he was the first Manila folder. A slab of stone was discovered with a multiplication problem carved on it – it was the first concrete example. A special pail was invented for electric milking machines because one good urn deserves an udder. A woman invented a glass diaphragm because she wanted a womb with a view. An artist invented the traverse rod because he wanted to draw drapes. At the first Arabian Embassy ball, everyone danced sheik-to-sheik. At the first convention of mathematicians, everyone sat around multiplication tables. At the first flea circus, a dog came by and stole the show. At the first Kentucky Derby, the announcer told everyone that “Poison Ivy” was scratched. A&W opened the first drive-in restaurant for people who wanted to curb their appetites.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 10:58 AM                        Rated G Barbed wire was first used for de fence. Before John Campbell invented lubricating oil, he was just squeaking by. Before thimbles were invented, a lot of people got stuck without one. Candles were first used on a birthday cake for people who wanted to make light of their age. Cavewoman’s first words to her husband: “Don’t just stand there – slay something!” Clothes hampers first became popular with people who wanted to throw in the towel. Comment from the first photofinisher: “Someday my prints will come.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 11:01 AM                        Rated G Dental floss was invented in 1938 – that’s the tooth! During the first labour dispute, a non-union laundry worker said, “Let’s iron while the strike is hot.” Eve asked Adam to start the first garden – the first thing he dug up was an excuse. Eve was the first person to eat herself out of house and home. First poultry reprimand: a woman had to scold her chickens because they were using fowl language. General Custer was the first man to wear an arrow shirt. Graduates of the first dog-training school were awarded a barkalaureate degree. Gum was first sold on a chew-chew train.  |  IP: Logged

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