my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Puns & Riddles (Page 16)

This topic comprises 20 pages: 1  2  3  ...  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20

Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2005 10:50 AM                        Rated G Quirk Do you know the difference between a pun and a fart? A pun is a sudden shift of wit!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2005 10:57 AM                        Rated G B.B. They arrested some 200 visitors for ignoring the "Don't feed the birds sign." The charge was contributing to the delicacy of a mynah.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2005 01:29 PM                        Rated G Lulu Dora Evans made a nice living running her mobile concession truck. She would find out where the local movie company was shooting on location and park her truck, which she called simply “The Box”, near-by. Technicians and actors alike would stop by for some pastry and coffee during breaks from shooting. This was the day that the director was shooting the most important scene in the movie. In this scene the lovers walking along a deserted beach decide to break off their relationship and return to their respective spouses to live the rest of their lives with only the memory of their short interlude to comfort them in the years ahead. He had shot the scene several times in order to insure that he had obtained the most dramatic effect. That evening, on reviewing the daily takes, he was shocked to find every take was spoiled. As the stars were talking, the camera swept around the surrounding loneliness of the empty beach. But in every take, there was the concession truck with several people enjoying its wares. He immediately called his cinematographer and shouted angerly, “I told you never to ... pan Dora’s Box.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 06:28 AM                        Rated G Our fax machine uses a roll of paper and therefore gives a curled output, annoying because it's difficult to handle.As I took another sheet from the machine,I muttered something about the inconvenience of the curled copy. Yes, a nearby co-worker noted,one should always get one's fax straight.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 12:14 PM                        Rated G There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to avoid the frigid air. You may tag him as a 'frost-free reef ridge rater'.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2005 11:11 AM                        Rated G anon e. mouse A creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of the Sand," she said, " I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was terribly hot. Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato! Have you ever seen ... a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2005 02:24 PM                        Rated G To make sure the newspaper got out in time, the management made sure that the folks working the overnight shift were fed. After all, at the time, there weren't any all night diners open in the town. To get around this, the company provided trays of sandwich fixings and snacks for the city desk reporters and staff. One morning, as he was just getting ready to start on his last article, a hungry editor turned to a reporter and asked if there was any food left. "Yeah, I think there's a piece of cake left, but it's not for you." "Why not?" asked the editor. "Because you can't have your cake and edit, too!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-01-2005 05:25 PM                        Rated G B.B. A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!" The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back. "Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?" "I did," admitted the youngster. "You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" "Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-01-2005 05:26 PM                        Rated G One day, the president of the United States was sitting in the Oval Office reading a newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and thinks, "OK!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of gag. The secret service man then begans to take that bull whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the whip as he walks around the presidents desk. The president gets enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-12-2005 01:56 PM                        Rated G Medevival Pun. Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!" "Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied. She waited day and night, but it none came to rescue her, just as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress. After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"  |  IP: Logged Arthur Allen Film Handler Posts: 99 From: Renton, WA, USA Registered: Aug 2001 posted 08-14-2005 10:11 PM                        Rated G Why do electrical engineers bother to use Ohms in their circuits? Everyone knows resistance is useless.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-16-2005 07:04 PM                        Rated G A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be. Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart" So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?" And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 03:38 PM                        Rated G This man walked into a Fifth Avenue bank and said to the guard, "Pardon me. I'd like to talk with the fella that arranges loans. The guard replied, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger is out to lunch." "In that case," the man said, "I'd like to talk to Tonto!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2005 09:50 PM                        Rated G Some chuckles/puns 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" " Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I d on't believe you," says Dolly "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 02:41 PM                        Rated G Medevival Pun. Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!" "Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied. She waited day and night, but it none came to rescue her, just as the king predicted.Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress. After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her,"You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 20 pages: 1  2  3  ...  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.