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Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 07:56 AM                        Rated G A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods."All right, kids," she ordered,"line up, and whatever happens,don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!" The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back. "Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?" "I did," admitted the youngster. "You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" "Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 12:31 PM                        Rated G Michele Tina Turner worked on a farm for a while before becoming famous. She was in charge of chickens and chicken-feed and egg gathering. Being an intelligent,efficient woman,it wasn't long before she was bored with her daily routine, and decided to play mental games to keep things interesting. One of these games involved ranking the hens in order of egg productivity.The number one hen laid two eggs a day, one in the morning and one at night,without fail.The second hen laid at least one a day,sometimes two,and the third rarely laid a second egg. One morning,Tina noticed that one of the hens seemed to be infatuated with her.The hen followed Tina around the barnyard making moon-eyes and ignoring her feed. Being off her feed, the hen didn't lay.This caused her to drop from number 2 to number 3 in the rankings. Years later, Tina Turner had the opportunity to ask,in a song, "What's love got to do with it? What's love but a second hen demotion?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 08:57 AM                        Rated G After losing his two watchdogs to a hungry coyote,a sheep farmer obtained two lions and had them rotate their watch standing duties.The next time a coyote tried to have some sheep for dinner,it was devoured by the lion on watch. When the game warden asked where the coyote was, the farmer replied, "It's all in the lion of duty."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2004 11:45 AM                        Rated G Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.Annually,thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were only... Cheap Sioux Veneers!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:41 AM                        Rated G Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the favorite of that English earl. However, it seems that there is a small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town's citizens are getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office. The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run unopposed in every election since. Unfortunately, her age now hinders her from getting about. What the citizens are saying is that -- ...the Earl Gray mayor, she ain't what she used to be!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2004 12:56 PM                        Rated G Riddles What happened in 1961 that won't happen again for 4000 years? . . . . . . .. . . . . . . The years date reads the same when turned upside down. That will not happen again until the year 6009.  |  IP: Logged Arthur Allen Film Handler Posts: 99 From: Renton, WA, USA Registered: Aug 2001 posted 06-16-2004 09:09 PM                        Rated PG-13 Can you say that a peeping Tom with glasses has aspects about him?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-20-2004 11:04 AM                        Rated G As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself. Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house, resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves. A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony. The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier. "What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?" "Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit... That's a clear case of illegal eavesdropping."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2004 10:05 AM                        Rated G Sherlock Holmes's sister, Ella, was a bit confused--not that she suffered from dementia or anything--she simply was a bit "blonde." She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa. One day Sherlock's sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening. When she left, Sherlock's assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, "I didn't know Patsy was studying the piano." To which Holmes replied,"Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 12:02 PM                        Rated G Some people think that displaying a penchant for puns and wordplay is a form of lysdexia or a sign of dam bramage. I want you to know that my mind is still as tarp as a shack and firing on all silly-enders.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 01:02 PM                        Rated G The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed,"This is the answer to our prayers!" Then she turned back to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was ... the Clone Arranger."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2004 10:34 AM                        Rated G Jersey T Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 09:07 AM                        Rated G When the love smitten young man brought back a frosty cold beverage for his true love, she suggested that it may have been a bit rude of him to not bring anything back for his other friends. He replied, of course, by saying, "My darling, I only have ice for you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2004 10:26 AM                        Rated G A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued in order to honor two great American Patroits. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hales. Asked why two people wond be on the coin, the spokesperson replied: "Now when you toss a coin you can simply call 'Ted's or Hale's'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2004 08:51 AM                        Rated G Dennis A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother. "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"  |  IP: Logged

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