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Author Topic: Puns & Riddles Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2003 11:51 AM                        Rated G Question: What do you call an old wizard who has bad breath, brittle bones, and a lot of corns on his feet? Answer: A super-calloused fragile mystic who has hallitosis.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:48 PM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit An Angelic Pun An angel went to see St. Peter. "All I do," the angel said, "is play the harp endlessly, and I'm getting bored." St. Peter asked, "What would you rather do?" The angel answered, "I like to dance." "We don't allow dancing here in heaven," St. Peter said, "but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance." "I'm gone," the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave. The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, "I'm back and I am so happy. I'll never feel bored again." St. Peter said, "That's wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?" "Oh, no," the angel said, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2003 10:47 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and since they already made them cases for pocket watches,decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling West. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality,their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This,of course,is the origin of the statement,"He who has a Tates is lost."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:27 PM                        Rated G In the early 20th Century,Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.Once,while vacationing out West,he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux,Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 06:07 AM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit I remember an incident a few years ago,in my home town school district, wherein a certain high school teacher was accused of "introducing" some of his students to marijuana. Apparently several of the students eventually developed such strong pot habits that they had "munched" themselves 20-30 lbs. overweight, and had voluntarily turned the teacher in out of anger.It was not the first time a pot smoker had been given away by dilated pupils.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Ollie,an old and well-known ostrich, was tired after all these years and he couldn't run much anymore.But,he didn't relish getting himself killed either,so he came up with a plan.He stripped off his feathers,got some brown paint,and put a pillow on his back.Now,he looked just like any camel he had ever seen. Well,Ollie survived the first day and the second too.But,on the third,a hunter shot and killed Ollie. Asked later how he managed to get the old legendary ostrich, the hunter replied, "He fooled me at first,but it didn't take me too long to see through his camel flaws."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2003 05:39 PM                        Rated G A coin collector was proud of his hugh collection of historic American coins. One of his favorites was a one penny piece which featured an Iroquois Indian in a feathered headset.. He showed the coin to some friends and was arrested for : Indian cent exposure.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:26 AM                        Rated G Ollie Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 09:13 PM                        Rated R Lorraine Zalman comes home from the Yeshiva [school] and asks his father, "Papa, what's fornication?" Papa gets embarrassed, and suggests Zalman should ask Mama. Zalman goes to the kitchen and asks Mama, "Mama, so tell me, what's fornication?" Mama says,"Oy, go ask your bubbe [grandma] and she'll tell you." Zalman goes to Bubbe asking, "Bubbe what's fornication?" Bubbe says, "Come here, Tatelleh, and I'll show you." She leads him to her closet, opens the door and takes out a beautiful gown, saying, "This, Tatelleh, is foranoccasion."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:13 PM                        Rated G Michele I was getting my hair cut at my usual neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my visiting two-year-old nephew. Without hesitation, the barber replied, "When he's four."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 03:09 PM                        Rated G Did you hear about the guy who bought the underground storage room of the bank? People complained that it was all his vault.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:24 PM                        Rated PG B.B. Little Joshua got a pony for his birthday. One day Joshua went out to the barn and saw that some Blue Jays had built a nest on the horse's back.He called the animal control department and they suggested that Joshua rub some yeast on the pony's back and the birds would disappear. Joshua did as he was told and, sure enough,the next morning the birds were gone. Moral: Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. [ 12-04-2003, 05:57 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 05:54 AM                        Rated G B.B. Little Joshua got a pony for his birthday.One day Joshua went out to the barn and saw that some Blue Jays had built a nest on the horse's back.He called the animal control department and they suggested that Joshua rub some yeast on the pony's back and the birds would disappear. Joshua did as he was told and,sure enough,the next morning the birds were gone. Moral: Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest,and never the mane shall tweet.D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:49 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Long ago there was a kingdom where the King wore a brightly colored vest instead of a crown. The vest was adorned with all different colors of berries to make it beautiful. Maintaining this vest was difficult because it needed freshening daily. His people would go into the mountains with big nets. They would throw the nets over the berry bushes, and snare the fresh berries for the King. The people valued and honored this vest as the symbol of the throne. One day the colors on the King's vest were fading badly. The people were asked to bring in fresh berries, but there were none to be had. The King looked very bad, so much so that he so he issued this proclamation: ...: "A reward will be paid for those who snare enough to mend the berry vest."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-16-2003 06:31 PM                        At Heathrow Airport today, an individual (later discovered to be a public school teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which has struck terror into the lives of many for generations. He was immediately arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.  |  IP: Logged

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