The Priest was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

There were 3 guys who went to the priest to confess.

Priest: Tell me your sins.

GUY1 : I have been cheating on my wife with the new gorgeous woman in town for the past 2 weeks.
Priest: Go outside and say two Hail Mary's.

Priest: Tell me your sins.

GUY2 : I have been cheating with my wife for the past month with the new gorgeous woman in town.
Priest: GO outside and say two Hail Mary's and one Our Father.

Priest: tell me your sinsGUY3 : I have been cheating on my wife for the past 2 months with the new gorgeous woman in town.

Priest: Just wondering but what is the name of this gorgeous woman?
GUY3 : Her name is Mrs. Green--Mrs. Pussy Green

Priest: Ok well say 2 Our Fathers.

That Sunday while he was giving mass, a gorgeous woman wearing all green--green hat, green dress, green eyes, green shoes, and emerald jewelry walks in. She walks to the front of the church and sits down on the first pew. The Priest wondering if this was the famous Pussy green, leans over to the alter boy and asks,"Is that Pussy Green?"

A Priest goes to town one day. A girl approaches him and says, "Quickie, Father? Only five bucks!"

He says, "Er . . . no . . no thanks!"

Another girl approaches him and says, "Quickie, Father? Only five bucks!"

Again, the Priest stammers, "Er . . no . . no thanks!'

He gets back to the church and asks one of the nuns, "Excuse me, Sister, but what's a quickie?"

Good news & bad

The Pope is the Vatican City, when his friend comes up to him and says: "I got some good news and some bad." His friend says, "The good news is that God is on the phone and wants to talk to you."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

An elderly man walked into the church and took a seat in a confessional.

"Father," he said, I am making love twice a day to an eighteen-year-old girl."

"Mr. Solomon, you're Jewish," the priest replied. "Why are you telling me?"

A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt.

Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her from the Church steps.

“Are you OK ?” he asked.

“Yes, but is Mass out ?” she asked.

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, about 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.

Their parents were at wits’ end trying to control them.

There was a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk to the boys

The father replied, “Sure, do it fore' I kill them!"

The mother went to talk to the priest.

The priest said "Send the younger boy in first."

The boy came in and sat down.

For about five minutes they just sat quietly and stared at each other.

Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “WHERE IS GOD?”

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “WHERE IS GOD?”

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned over and put his forefinger almost to the boy’s nose, and asked, “WHERE IS GOD?”

The boy panicked and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, “We are in BIG trouble.”

The older boy asked, “What do you mean, we're in BIG trouble?”

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best sunday clothes.

Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope.

One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man.

He can't believe it, then it hits him. The pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and and feeble ones.

Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him.

He puts on the bums clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the pope to stop and talk to him.

Pedestrians

Paddy was in New York waiting patiently, as she watched the cop direct traffic on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.  If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly,  she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' 

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of them could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out.

After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles.

He said that the good news was that, all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not a good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation.

After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause... The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex."

"And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?"