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Author Topic: Priests/General Catholic Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 05:11 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine Several years ago,the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later,the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says,"Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right,"she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend. "My priest knows more than your rabbi." "Of course he does," said the Jewish boy. "You tell him everything."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 11:51 AM                        Rated G A little boy was sent to a Catholic school by his folks. Of course,he had no idea ofwho Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on the first day of school, he got punishedby the teacher for not knowing such basic things. Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed him, and said, "Don't worry son. I'll sew the answers to those questions on your collar,and every time your teacher asks you a question, all you have to do is to peek at your collar." And so she sewed the answers on her son's collar. The following day, the teacher came up to him, and asked him, "Who is the Holy Virgin?" The boy peeked at his collar and replied, "Mary." The teacher seemed a little bit surprised,but continued on. "And who is her husband?" After another peek at the collar, he replied,"Joseph." "Why, very good son," the teacher commented. "And for the last one," said the teacher."Who is their son?" The boy peeked again at his collar and replied confidently, "NIKE!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 03:24 PM                        Rated PG A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2003 03:39 PM                        Rated G DANCING IN THE CONFESSIONAL! As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 12:28 PM                        Rated PG Jill, ever the gracious hostess,was serving drinks at one of her parties over the Holidays.A friend of hers brought his brother who had just been ordained a Priest.She offered the friend a drink from the tray and said,"I'm sorry Father,I'll go right back to the kitchen and bring you a coke." The Priest smiled and said "No need to.I may have alcohol. Priests abstain from sex,not the grape." "Oh !" said Jill blushing,"So that's it. I knew it was one or the other that I wasn't supposed to offer you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 12:10 PM                        Rated PG Sue Bee AFFAIR CONFESSION A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father,I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you mean almost?" question the priest. "Well,we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now,say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional,says his prayers,and then walks over to the poor box.He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father,I rubbed up against it and,like you said,it's the same as putting it in!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 12:58 PM                        Rated PG Michele A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, could you fix us two martinis please?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2003 07:29 AM                        Rated R The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,none of whom could figure out how to cure him.Finally he was brought to an old physician,who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.Well,this was not good news to the cardinals,who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation.After some thought,the Pope stated,"I agree but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar.Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked,"And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled.There was a long pause.The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind,so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex.Second,she must be deaf,so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex.And third,she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex,she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked,"And the fourth condition?" The Pope smiled and replied, "Big tits."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2003 05:10 PM                        Rated X A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The questioner smiled. "I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said. "We are," said the gentleman. " But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2003 03:22 PM                        Rated G A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans,I can get the lumber."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 06:39 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The Pope has the best job in the world: he has one boss only, and even Him he meets after his death.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 12:31 PM                        Rated G A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.A leading local politician,who was a member of the congregation,was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic,so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand,"he said,"the seal of the confessional, can never be broken.However,I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here.I can only hint vaguely about this,but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set,and when stopped by the police,had almost murdered the officer.Further,he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife.I was appalled.But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that,and I had,indeed come to,a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk,the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,"said the politician."In fact,I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." [ 04-22-2003, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 11:37 AM                        Rated G I am a special minister in our Catholic church (I help distribute communion).Father and the special ministers were waiting in the narthex(vestibule)at the last mass on Passion Sunday while our lector was making the announcements. She was saying "We printed extra church bulletins today,but we are out of bulletins for this mass.However,our bulletin is on our web site so you can access it there."then went on to another announcement. I said to no one in particular"So what is the address of the web site." Father said,"It's printed in the bulletin."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 01:15 PM                        Rated G One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people,I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes,a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."  |  IP: Logged

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