There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was levelled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group.

Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a Christian cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David. Many people went
by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross.

A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but not to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said, "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially whenyou're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross."

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the localforest. He had been walking by the small stream when henoticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheekylittle boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choir boy beside him in bed.

"And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense."

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.

The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember psalm 129."

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the
zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129"

Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way.

HEALTH INSURANCE

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to
pay for services.

He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in araspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

Confessional Etiquette

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

A married man goes to the confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."

Two priests standing at the urinals.

One looks over at the other and sees that he has a nicoderm patch on his penis.

"What's with the patch?" he asks.

"You aren't supposed to wear it on your penis."

A Catholic boy was bragging to his Jewish friend.
"My priest knows more than your rabbi."

The man on crutches walked into the church one morning, stopped at the holy water, sprinkled some of it on both legs then threw away
the crutches.

Witnessing this an alter boy ran into the rectory and told the priest what he had seen.

Without batting an eye the priest told the alter boy he had just witnessed a genuine miracle then asked, "Now, where is this man?"

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.

The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Joe did.

Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said "I can't hear you".

Again the priest asked "Joe did you take any of the offering?"

Again Joe answered "I can't hear you".

This time the priest yelled "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING"

Again Joe answered "I can't hear you".

By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said "Joe trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So they traded places and Joe asked " I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"

An old man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.

Having never seen a priest before, he asked, "Excuse me sir, but why doyou have your shirt collar on backwards?"

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this
collar because I am a Father."

The older gent thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so
differently?"

The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the Father for many."

The older fellow quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have five sons, six daughters and too many grandchildren to count... But I wearmy collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurtedout, "Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."

Now the kindly old gentleman was stunned and sat silently for a long time.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track ofwhat you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He
asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over theRockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

The neighborhood plotted to invite the family to parish events, and after a few months, the new family decided to convert and join the Catholic church.

After weeks of study, the family stood at the front of the congregation. Just in the nick of time as Lent was once again upon them. A priest blessed them, spritzed them with holy water and incense and chanted, "A protestant you were born, a protestant you were raised, but Catholic, you now become."

12 Priests and the Naked Dancer

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final
test was for them to line up in a straight row,
totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis
and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when
she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual
purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction.
She
proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests
until
she got to the final priest (Carlos).

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that
it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed,Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick
it
up.