The Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the
Jewish family who employed him treated him. "You wouldn't believe it," he said. "I get tips galore, and they always buy me lunch or
dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits. I get off
all holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah."

"That sounds pretty good," said the friend. "But what is Rosh
Hashanah?"

"Oh, that's when they blow the shofar," replied the chauffeur.

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.

"Who is this?" asks the padre.

"Oh, that's the Virgin of Guadalupe"

"And this portrait?"

"That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi"

"Who is this third one?"

"That is the Virgin of Ishia"

"And the final portrait, what virgin is she?"

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression.

In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

"Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth were walking through
the park when they were jumped by two thugs.Their habits were ripped from them and the men began to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine cast her eyes toward Heaven and cried out,
"Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."

TOP TEN SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

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