An old priest got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".'This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

There was once a priest of a rather large congregation. All was fairly well in church, but the offerings were nowhere near normal. So the priest decided to take some action. He tried group talk, asking nicely at the end of church, and just begging, but nothing seemed to work. Finally, as a last resort the priest decided to try hypnosis!

The next Sunday when came offering time, the priest brought out a gold watch on a chain, waved it back and forth and asked each person in the congregation to give 5 dollars in the offering plate.

At the end of the service the priest was surprised to find a whole bunch of 5 dollar bills in the offering plates!

Surprised, the priest decided to try hypnosis again the next week, only this time with 10 dollar bills. So when came offering time he took out his gold watch and chain, waved it back and forth and asked each person in the congregation to give 10 dollar bills.

At the end of the service he was ecstatic to find a whole bunch of 10 dollar bills!

With all the new money coming in the priest was starting to get a little greedy. He decided to try his hypnosis with 50 dollar bills!

So the next Sunday, when offering time came he took out his gold watch and chain, started waving it, and half way through his question, the chain broke and the watch fell to the ground. "Oh shit", the priest exclaimed.

A priest is in his church on Saturday afternoon hearing confessions. A man walks in, kneels down and says, "Father, it has been 2 weeks since my last confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."

"That is your sin?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."

The man leaves, and another enters the confessional and kneels.

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest thinks to himself that this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners.

"Those are your sins?"

"Yes, Father."

"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another entered and knelt. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession, and these are my sins.

I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."

This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"Just a woman I know, Father," came the reply.

"Very well," said the priest,"you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."

The next morning the priest was giving the sermon in front of his congregation.

The doors flew open in the back of the church and in walked a tall, gorgeous red-headed woman with a green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather. She walked straight up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.

The priest just stared.

He finally caught himself and leaned over to ask the alter boy, "Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?"

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She asks St. Peter, "What's going on?"

He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled into their heads for their halos."

She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell."

St. Peter says, "In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

There were 3 priests in a railroad station all wanting to go home to Pittsburg.

Behind the counter was a very shapely lass. She was amazingly well endowed, and it was obvious she was dressed - almost - to accentuate her attributions. This was embarrassing new territory for the priests so they drew straws to determine who would buy the tickets.

The first priest drew the short straw, and approached the window. "Young Lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Where upon ealizing his mistake, he lost his composer and fled.

The second priest seeing his companion leave, approached the window."Young Lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like my change in nipples and dimes..." Of corse, he also fled in confusion.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were sitting around discussing the pigeon problem. Each house of worship was being over run with pigeons on the roofs.

The minister said "I tried to shoot them off, but they'd just circle around and come back. The only damage it did was to put holes in my roof."

The rabbi said, "I tried to smoke the pigeons off my roof, but all that happened was the roof caught fire."

The priest then told the others that he managed to get rid of the birds.

The others were amazed and asked what his secret was.

Priest vs. Homosexual

What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?

A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church, slipped and fell, skinning her elbows and knees, and splitting her skirt. Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at her from the Church steps.

“Are you OK ?” he asked.

“Yes, but is Mass out ?” she asked.

What’s the difference between the Pope and your boss?

The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?''

The old guy says, ''During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors.''

The priest replies, ''Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure.''

One day a guy died and went to heaven.

He was curious about how God lived and said, "God, how much is a millenium to you?"

God said, "Less than One second."

"The man said, "God, how much is $100,000,000,000. to you?" God said, "One penny."

The guy thought for a minute and said, "God, can I have a penny?"

The Track

George loves the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won!

George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest¹s blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last Race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched the horse come in dead last.

George was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, ³What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I¹ve lost my life savings, thanks to you!²

Subject: : Priests at the Pearly Gates

Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in right
now, but our computer system is down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week
before
we can get you in, but you can't go back as yourselves
-- you'd never be able to explain that.
So, whatever you'd like to be for a week."

The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an
eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.
Would that be possible?"
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the first priest
turned into a majestic eagle and soared down to
Earth.

The second priest thought about it for a moment, and
asked, "Hmm, will any of this week 'count,' if you
know
what I mean?" "No, not this week," St. Peter replied.
"We'll forgive any minor offenses, if there's
something
you've always wanted to try.
No murders or anything like that, of course."

"In that case," said the second priest, a little
embarrassed,
"I've always secretly wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the second priest
disappeared.

A week passed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall
the two from Earth to be admitted to Heaven.

"Any problem finding them?" He asked.

"The first one should be easy to spot," says St.
Peter.
"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the
eagles. But the second one might be a little more
difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

During his visit to the United Statesthe Pope met with President Clinton.

Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said that he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed.

Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.

Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked,"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was agreat success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."