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Author
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Topic: Priests/General Catholic Humor
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-13-2003 01:15 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-08-2004 12:18 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Hank in Simi
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2004 08:40 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont
This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman. almost.."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional,goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-12-2005 10:27 AM
Rated XXX Denny in Yonkers
The Irish daughter had not been to the house forover 5 years.Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you
been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family -I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish.I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion,plus a
savings account certificate for 5 million.For my little brother, this gold Rolex,and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited editionconvertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again,
"Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death girl! I thought you said "a Protestant." Come here and give your old man a hug!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-18-2005 09:44 AM
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Two Catholic Boys.
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways.In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland,Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and,upon graduation,became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world,but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop,Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least,and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died,it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.
In time the Pope did die,and the College of Cardinals went to work.In less time than anyone had expected,white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world,Catholic,Protestant and secular,was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.He was devastated,because even with all of Timothy's gifts,Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals,Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked,"Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two,but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-25-2005 02:27 PM
Rated G
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers - in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day,little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face.He didn't even kiss his mother hello.Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed.She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time,day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.Finally,little Tommy brought home his report card.He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation,his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,little Tommy got an "A" in math.She could no longer hold her curiosity.She went to his room and said:"Son,what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head,no.
"Well, then," she replied,"was it the books,the discipline,the Structure,the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said,"Well,on the first day of school,when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign,I knew they weren't fooling around."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-27-2005 07:08 AM
Rated G Ed in Aurora,Ont. Ca
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,then leaned over and said,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-13-2005 02:47 PM
Rated G
15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her
head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s
yours.
—Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her.
—Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock.
—Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the
deal.
—Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab
one and carry her off to be your wife.
—Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will
cost you a rib.
—Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in
marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work
another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the
first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
—Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies
and get his daughter for a wife.
—David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll
definitely find someone. (It’s all relative of course.)
—Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
—Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I
have seen a ...woman; now get her for me.” If your parents
question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the
one for me.”
—Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons
though).
—David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a
good idea, it’s the law).
—Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
—Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife? NOT!
—Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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