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Author Topic: Priests/General Catholic Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 08:17 AM                        Rated R The high-school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. "Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong." "Yeah,I guess you are right." replied the cheerleader."Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 11:12 AM                        Rated G There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope. In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope! Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked,"Why Timothy?" After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 07:34 AM                        Rated G A young Catholic girl who has led an exemplary life arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is told by St.Peter that,as a reward for her virtuous ways,she will be granted one wish.The girl says, "I've always wanted to ask the Virgn Mother a question." When the Virgin Mother approaches her, the girl says, "Holy Mother,what was it like to give birth to the Savior of the World?" The Virgin Mother replies, "Vell, ve vanted he should be a doctor, but vat can you do?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-13-2003 01:27 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." [ 06-05-2003, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 11:56 AM                        Rated XX A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean that Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Bishop walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, It's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really." "Oh well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Bishop had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch !" proclaimed the proud priest.The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!", exclaimed the Sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief. The Bishop added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch,using a special recipe!" The Pope looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You motherfuckers are my kind of people:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 04:20 PM                        Rated G DonnaLee Written in a restroom in Ireland, Dear Blessed Virgin,If I am to believe that you conceived without sinning,please help me to sin without conceiving!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 12:35 PM                        Rated R A priest is looking out the window at the front of the church and notices a young boy hanging around aimlessly throwing rocks into the street.The priest decides to go outside and talk to the young boy about his behavior,hoping to inspire him to find more meaningful things to do with this life. He approaches the boy and says,"Don't you have betterthings to do than to stand around here and throw rocks?" The boy looked at the priest and said, "Fuck you!" The priest then begins to tell the boy about his own life.He tells him how he grew up in a poor neighborhood filled with street gangs and how he started going to church on Sundays and found direction in his life.Then he told the boy how he went on to graduate from high school with a 4.0 average, how he got accepted into Notre Dame,graduated from college in only two years,went on to graduate school and got his doctorate by the time he was only 21 years old!"So," said the priest looking right at the boy, "fuck YOU!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 10:22 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray, "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 06-10-2003 06:27 PM                     Rated R The Really Good Sermon A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass he asked theMonsignorhow he had done. The Monsignor replied "When I am worried about going on the pulpit, I put a glass of Irish whiskey next to the water glass. If I get nervous I take a sip. The following Sunday, the new prest took the Monsignor's advice and proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after the mass, he found the following note on his door. 1) Sip the whiskey, don't gulp. 2) There are Ten Commandments, not 12. 3) There were 12 disciples not 10. 4) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 5) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J C. 6) The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 7) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 8) When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for this is my body", he did not say "Eat Me". 9) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. 10) The Virgin Mary is not to be referred to as "Mary with the Cherry.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-13-2003 11:38 AM                        Rated G Michele Two Catholic boys pass an Episcopalian minister. At the sight of the reversed collar,one of them says, "Hello, Father." The other boy elbows him in the ribs."He's no Father,you dummy. He's married and has three kids!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 03:04 PM                        Rated X A woman had been dating a doctor for a short while when she became pregnant. The couple didn't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest went into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor told the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor. "It's worth a try," he said. So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not going to believe this!" "What?" asked the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" cried the priest. "I just did the operation," insisted the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and one day the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. So he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 03:18 PM                        Rated G Phil in New Jersey A very pushy and ambitious salesman is trying to get the salesman of the year award. So he goes to the Vatican and shoulders his way in to see the pope. "Your holiness, I represent the brewing federation. We would like to offer you a million dollars to change the lords prayer to give us our daily beer." "Offering money to change the lords prayer indeed! Be off with you!" replies the pope. " Okay then two million" retorts the salesman. "How dare you suggest we change the words of our lord, get this man out of my sight" shouted the pope beckoning to the guards. "As my final offer, three million dollars" shouts the salesman as he is dragged out the door. The pope then turns to the cardinal and says, " When does our contract with the bakery expire?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 03:27 PM                        Rated PG A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 06:04 PM                        Rated G A famous bishop spoke at a theological seminary. He repeated Jesus' story of the wise and foolish virgins, then he looked the seminarians in the eye gave a challenge. "Young men, would you rather be in the light with the ten wise virgins or out in the dark with the ten foolish virgins?" [The bishop was unable to finish delivering his message.]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2003 11:07 AM                        Rated G A priest was given the job of hearing the confessions of an order of monks.The priest returned to his parish that night and complained to one of the nuns about how long each of the monks took to enumerate all of their sins. "Oh Father," said the nun."It couldn't have been that bad." The priest replied, "Oh it was worse than you can imagine. It was like being stoned to death with popcorn."  |  IP: Logged

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