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Author Topic: Priests/General Catholic Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 12:42 PM                        Rated G One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 06:08 AM                        Rated PG Charlie A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "What did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight,I witnessed two men having sex." "Oh, so you were the idiot with the flashlight?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-21-2003 06:30 AM                        Rated G PandaBear The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation. "Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise." Not a woman stirred. The priest said,"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so.Young women,I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins." And still not a woman stirred. Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame,incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty:Let all virgins stand!" And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms,rose bashfully. The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman,I'm asking the virgins to stand." And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 06:57 AM                        Rated G Michele She found the man of her dreams,but being a strict Catholic,she refused to marry him unless he converted to her religion.The young man started attending classes. Now Mary's back on the dating scene again.Seems her young man decided to become a Priest.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:29 AM                        [b]Rated G Lorraine The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while. The priest asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?" "No, I'm just waiting." "Waiting for what?" "Wanna know what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 07-30-2003 11:40 AM                     THE EULOGY Rated PG Maria is devout Catholic. She gets married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leans over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 06:43 AM                        Rated PG A DIVINE RIGHT! Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she says. "Yes, I see," he says. "And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:16 AM                        Rated G Michele The Pope and God were conversing the other day, and the Pope said, "Hey God, I've got good news and I've got bad news." God replied, "Well I have always liked good news before bad so ..." The Pope responded, "Well we finally have been able to unite all the known religions on Earth under one name." God says, "Well that is just great, I have been trying for six thousand years, and you did it in less than two thousand. Now what is the bad news?" "We have to relocate the Vatican to Salt Lake City."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 06:50 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Efficiency experts have even invaded religion,specifically the Catholic confessional.They tell of a church with a sign that reads:Express Confession -- for parishioners with six sins or less.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 01:42 PM                        Rated G Lorraine For their evening prayer this family was learning the traditional Catholic prayer:"Glory be to the Father,and to the Son,and to the Holy Spirit,as it was in the beginning,is now and ever shall be.World without end. Amen." Everything seemed to be going nicely until Mama listened closely to hear five-year-old Elizabeth's decidedly feminist ending, which went like this:"WORLD WITHOUT MEN, AMEN."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 03:37 AM                        Rated G JerseyT The Pope was finishing his sermon.He ended it with the Latin phrase,"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind,but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,"Tuti Homini,et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.The Pope said,"Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 06:36 AM                        Rated PG A drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot.And he says to the priest,"Oh honey,I love your dress,but did you know your handbag's on fire?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2003 02:51 PM                        Rated G B.B. What is the difference between mass and weight? Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on a Catholic.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 09:03 AM                        Rated G Michele One Sunday our priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves."Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised."When you look at it,the cross will remind you that God is watching." As I was leaving church,the woman in front of me walked up to the priest,shook his hand and said,"I'll take five."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 01:20 PM                        Rated G Michele Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight.The kids were especially curious about the votive candles,so my daughter asked if they'd each like to light one. She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. "Do you have any questions?" she asked. "No," said the 5-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine.  |  IP: Logged

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