A man who had been called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution on the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"

Confused, the man asked, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Simple," replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."

A lady is in a confession booth.

She says to the priest, ''Father, I think my husband is a son of a bitch.''

Baffled, the priest asks why she thinks that.

She replies, ''Well...he kisses me.''

So the priest goes over to her side and kisses her. He goes back to his side and says, ''See, I kissed you and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

She replies, ''Yes..but he...feels me.'' So the priest goes over and proceeds to feel her. He goes back and says, ''But I felt you, and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

The lady replies, ''But..he...you know..does it with me.''

So the priest goes over and has sex with her. After they're finished, the priest says, ''But I just had sex with you, and I'm not a son of a bitch.''

The lady says,''Yes, but Father, my husband has AIDS.''

At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were
beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been therelong enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your... I mean our
hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing.She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.

A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit. On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"

A woman starts dating a doctor.

Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"" I just did the operation," insists the doctor.

"It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

Nina, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.

The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Nina! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"

Headline on BBC News Online read 'Dog Abuse Claims US Priests' this morning, but clicking on the link revealed a story about child abuse and RC priests. By lunchtime the headline had been corrected to 'Abuse Claims Dog US Priests'.

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you go in your organization?"

The Priest says, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."

"But, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.

"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light, that I might be made an Arch Bishop," said the Priest a bit cautiously.

"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"

"Now, if all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal", said the priest."

Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating just a little bit, the Priest said "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but the odds there..."

So the Rabbi interjects, "And could you be anything higher than that?

What is there higher than the Pope?""What!!!!!!!! I should be the Messiah himself?!!"

A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest were having breakfast.

The Priest asked the Rabbi, "When are you going to eat some Ham?"

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, its called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water, If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating.

"My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said thepriest. "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.

The first mother says, "My son is a Monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'"

The second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'"

The third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'"

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the young man replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making adelivery in the affluent section of the city. When Irang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had
long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She wasdressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed herperfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the guy asked.

The Pope has finally decided to break his silence on issue of priests sexually molesting young boys and has put into place a new strict law governing the actions
and behavior of all priests.

The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.

"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"

A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass."

Luigi: "Father, I want an annulment."

Priest: "Why, Luigi?"

Luigi: "I think I married my sister."

Priest: "No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've married your sister?"

Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say --"Oh, brother!"