Just Don’t Do It Here

Doug and Tammy were expecting their first child and had a basic question to ask their Doctor ...

Their Doctor was an old timer and had been around the block a few times...and by this time had probably heard everything!

Doug turned to the Doctor and asked:

"So Doc, is there a time when....uh....umm....errr we...errr....hmm...should....you know....stop doing it?"

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were discussing President Bush's health care reform ideas.

The old man said "Well, ya know, G.W. Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

The old man said "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.

A student visits her doctor for a routine chest examination. 

The doctor notices a slight graze on her rib-cage in the shape of a 'C'. 

The girl explains that this is caused by her boyfriend who likes to make love wearing his Cambridge University jumper.

A few days later another girl student visits the doctor. This time during the examination he notices that there is an 'O' mark on the girl's ribs.
 
The girl explains that the mark is caused by her boyfriend's penchant for making love in his Oxford University jumper.

Early the next week the doctor receives a visit from a third student who is complaining of a chest infection. 

The doctor examines the girl, and finds she has a 'W' mark on her ribs. 
"Do you have a boyfriend at Warwick?" asks the doctor.

One night, Bob receives a call from the Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I'm afraid I have some bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." 

Bob says, "My God. What's the good news?" 

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I`ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it.

I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

A young women brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explains, "The baby seems to be ailing.

Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

She was told to go into an examining room and wait for the doctor.

He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed," she says.

"Well, strip down to your waist," he orders.

She does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then begins to powerfully suck on one nipple.

Finally he announces, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."

A renowned heart surgeon in LA died. The funeral was lavish, with the coffin placed in front of a mammoth heart replica. As the minister finished with the eulogy, there was barely a dry eye in the room.

Morris tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!"

The doctor says, "Tell me about your problem, Morris?"

Hello doctor?...

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by an old man, who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.

"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.

"How much is an office visit?" demanded the old man.

"Fifteen dollars."

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch.

After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.

"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office.

"Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"

"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation.

The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later.

"There you go, ma'am, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

Doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and he is cured.

Later another patient comes in and tells the doctor, "I keep having this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

Doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me like I told you." said the doctor “I’d take a couple of them off your hands."

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally he asked, ''Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?''

''Well, yes, I did once.'

''Well, how did she look?''

''Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!''...At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, ''Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual.

How did it occur that you saw her face that time?''

There was this man in a mental hospital.

All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen....

The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day till one day he finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened.

He heard nothing. The doctor turned to the mental patient and said, “I don’t hear anything.”

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

When the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed three items on a stand: K-Y jelly,a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor returned, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam, I know what the K-Y and the glove is for... but what is the BEER for?”

A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.

A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you are trying to write with your thermometer."