WHAT THE DOCTOR REALLY MEANS

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.---or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"This may smart a little."

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."

Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"

You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."

The State Inspector is making his rounds of psychiatric centers.

He enters one, and he tells the supervisor that he wants to look in on some of the patients.

The supervisor says, "Ok."

They go into one cell, and there is a guy standing there swinging a baseball bat. The inspector turns to the supervisor, and says, "Isn't that dangerous?"

The supervisor responds, "Ask the patient why he has the baseball bat."

The inspector asks the patient, "What are you doing with the baseball bat?"

The guy turns around, and says, "When I get out of here I'm going to be a professional baseball player like Babe Ruth, and make a lot of money."

The inspector nod his head, and says, "Very good."

They go into the next cell, and theres a guy swinging a golf club.

The inspector asks the man with the golf club, "And what do you wanna be when you get out of here?"

The man replies, "I wanna become a professional golf player like Tiger Woods, and make a lot of money." Again the inspector nods his head, and says, "Very good."

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor.”
Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.”

”My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the  problem is.”.....

A mechanic was removing a motor from a Harley when a world famous surgeon walked into the shop. The mechanic yelled across the floor to the doctor, "Hey Doc, can I ask you something?"

The surgeon was a bit surprised but he walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened himself up and wiped his hands with a rag and said, "Look at this engine doc, I can also open hearts, take out valves, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I'm done they'll work just like new. So how come you get the big bucks when I barely have enough to get by?"

Doctor to Paitient:

"I have good news and bad news:

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

* This was e-mailed to me by a lurker, I found it amusing as for me in two more days I will be off for one year.

I have always had sympathy for those afflicted with the tobacco habit.

That is, I've always had it during the last nine days since I gave up the filthy weed myself. And with my head cleared of fumes and my blood of nicotine poison, I've been able to give some thought to this problem.

I've calculated the average cigarette smoker spends $750 a year on his vice- enough to buy a wardrobe, or a comfortable chair, or a nice holiday. All of these go up in smoke.

Calculating still further with my new clarity of mind, I discover that in 30 years the average smoker spends $22,500. In other words, If I had sworn off 30 years ago I would now have the price of high-class automobile, or a trip abroad, or a down payment on a house.

I have heard the economic problems of our time explained in many different ways, but their real cause has been totally overlooked. If there were no tobacco, the average family (since both men and women are slaves to the weed) would have something over $125 a month more to spend on groceries, rent or furniture.

Our whole living standard would improve. In short, after nine days of reformation I can see that our civilization is not dying from poverty, nuclear waste, but of tobacco. It is smoking itself to death.

How can we possibly see the solution of our larger problems when our eyes are blinded with smoke?

As I say, it is nine days since I first grasped these truths. A part from the fact that I have felt sick the whole time, have been unable to work, have been unfit to live with, have lost the affections of my family, insulted my friends and hoped on rising every morning that I would die before night - apart from that, these have been the happiest days of my life.

I am free at last, and as I swore off for one month, I still have 21 days of freedom left before I am plunged back into slavery again.

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

Q: How do you make a skeleton?

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up.

The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get married?"

Medical Deduction

"Note the deformation of the joints due to rheumatic arthritis," lectured the medical school professor, waving his pointer at the illuminated X-ray.

"In addition, this patient limps because of damage to the right tibia-note the pronounced curvature-sustained in an industrial accident."

Turning to the roomful of aspiring radiologists, the professor asked, "Now tell me, in a case like this, what would you do?"

A psychologist received this postcard from a vacationing patient:

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A gynecologist had a strong desire to change careers and become an auto-mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. Time for the practical exam came around and he prepared carefully and completed the exam.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find he had
obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needs adjusting."