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Author Topic: Medical Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 12:04 PM                        Rated G Michele A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him,and then told him,"Listen,if you ever expect to cure your insomnia,you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't.My wife refuses to sleep alone."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2003 01:42 AM                        Rated G Michele Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills.One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement. Reluctantly,I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill,I read,"No. 1, urinalysis." She interrupted me at once."I'm a what?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-11-2003 12:34 PM                        A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year- old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-18-2003 04:14 PM                        Rated G I DREAD going to the dentist. Once, to ease my tension, I listed my middle name as "Wimp." The receptionist read it, laughed and assured me that many patients felt the same way. Half an hour later, the receptionist came into the waiting room. Looking directly at me, she said, smiling, "The doctor will now see the wimp." Three other people got up with me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 09:21 AM                        Rated G Donna in Phoenix "There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020,there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 03:55 PM                        Rated PG How To Tell If Your Viagra Is Working... *At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats. *Your face is very pale due to lack of blood. *When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. *They begin to call you "the tripod". *You begin to think your mother in law is pretty. *Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it. *Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial. *Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line. *Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar. *You always lose limbo contests. *Monica Lewinsky wants you to be president someday. *You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick. *You like to sleep on your back, and had to remove the ceiling fan.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:31 PM                        Rated G Michele The cardiologist at the ER had bad news for me: "You're going to need a pacemaker." Later, the nurse filling out the admission form began to ask me the standard questions: "Have you ever had mumps, measles, etc.?" Seeing how upset I was, she put down the clipboard and took my hand. "Don't worry. This kind of heart problem is easily fixed, and your life will be much better as a result." I felt reassured until she continued with, "Do you have a living will?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 07:05 AM                        Rated G Michele A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands,which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news,he asked,"Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2003 02:08 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?" Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" Patient: "No. Who?" [ 09-02-2003, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-28-2003 02:19 PM                        Rated G A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move,he asked,"What's that?" The doctor explained,"This is an anesthetic.After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time,Doc," exclaimed the man."He don't know nothing now."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 07:19 AM                        Rated G Michele How did this happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, Doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past.Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm,that night,right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room.She asked me if there was anything I wanted.I said,no,everything was fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not, I replied." "Excuse me," said the doctor,"what does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well,this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant,I fell off the roof!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 12:12 PM                        Rated G Michele The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward. "Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first,who had been in the ward for a week. "I don't know what you mean," replied the second. "It's simple," replied the first."Were you sick when you came i here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 06:48 AM                        Rated PG Michele Doug went to the doctor today for a small problem. He was unable to straighten out his fingers for a while and thought he should check into it. Well his doctor being the progressive type gave him a script for a low dosage of Viagra to see if that might help with problem... and it sure did! His fingers are now straighter than they have ever been. But the side effect is killing him. Now that he can't curl his fingers, he can't get any satisfaction at all.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 06:58 AM                        Rated G Michele The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop going to my psychiatrist." "But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?" "Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to lying down for a guy and then having then having to pay HIM."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 06:10 PM                        Rated G Michele New herbal remedy M e n i c i l l i n... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"  |  IP: Logged

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