A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.

"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."

"Oranges," said the doctor.

"Breasts," replied the patient.

"Apples."

"Breasts."

"Watermelons."

"Breasts."

"Wipers."

"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.

"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges,apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.

"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"

An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question.

"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on."

"When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on."

"When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on."

"Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on!"

A man gets a call from the hospital saying that his wife was in a car accident and he needs to come down right now. The man rushes right down. He gets to the hospital, screaming for the doctor.

"Doctor, what's wrong? Is my wife going to be okay?"

"I'm sorry," says the doctor. "Your wife's been in a horrible accident. Her neck was broken. She's lost all movement of her body below the neck. You're going to have to take complete care of her. You'll have to feed her. You'll have to bathe her. You'll have to
pick her up to put her in and out of her wheelchair. You'll have to clean her because she's lost control of her bowel movements."

The man falls to his knees. He begins to cry.

The doctor puts his hand on the mans shoulder and says, "Man, I'm just kidding you. She's dead."

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

Surgeon went to check on his post-op patient. She was awake, so he examned her. She asked:"How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life?"

Surgeon paused, which alarmed the girl. She said:" I will be alright, won't I?"

One summer, the company Dave worked for transferred him to another city, and Dave was told that he had to take a new physical with the company doctor.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor remarked that Dave had the smallest dick he'd ever seen. "Do you have any difficulties with it being so small?" the doc asked.

"Shit, no," Dave said. "I've got a wife, three kids, and a great sex life. But I do sometimes have a problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doc asked.

RALPH

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted,as was his wife.But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly fifteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the doctor.

"Well" said the wife coldly,"you're planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some bad news."

Linda asks for the good news first.

"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."

"And the bad news?" Linda asks.

Judy decided she wanted to become a nurse.

Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds.

Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.

Randy was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup,
which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

MID-LIFE IS A CRISIS!

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full...of
course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are
floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow
suit.

The man and his wife went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called her into his office and told
her that he had some good news and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is that your husband has a particularstrain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The wife paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is
the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about it just last week from my sheep's vet."

Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked.

Rated G

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some
good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.

She said, Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. But, I don't want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected,or worse. I want to know all the information from top to bottom,
from A to Y !'

The voice on the other end of the line said, "That's a very unusual request....What is the patient's name and room number ? "

She said, 'Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.'

He said, 'Finkel, Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber, Finkel.Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's hadtwo full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock.'

The woman said, 'Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh, thank God! Her test came back normal, she's getting off the heart machinein a couple of hours you say. Oh! that's fantastic, darling! And she is being released tomorrow at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy
to hear that! . . . That's wonderful news!'

The man on the phone said, 'From your enthusiasm, I takeit you must be a close family member or a very close friend!'