A new young MD doing his residency in OB/Gyn was quite embarrassed while performing a female pelvic exam. He had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"

"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is truly deceased, not an ounce of life.

"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"

A man bumps into his doctor at a New Year’s reception.

“Doc, I’m going to make an appointment to see you this week. I gotta have a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a lung transplant, a cornea transplant, a liver transplant, a ..."

"Now, just wait a minute," the doctor says. "You are perfectly healthy! Why do you think you need all these organ transplants?"

A psychiatrist is doing his book work when his secretary bursts into his office.

"Doctor! You have to come help!" the secretary says.

"What's wrong?" the psychiatrist asks.

"There is a man at my desk who says he is invisible."

says to his doctor, "I can't sleep, but I can't take pills, either."

The doctor says, "No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill in it."

The next day the doctor calls and says, "Did it work?"

says, "It worked too well. I woke up with my finger in my asshole."

New Phobias

"Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain`t getting in that cold water!" -- Shrinkaphobia

"Get that *(^%#*# vodka bottle away from me!!" -- Carmenelectraphobia

"He`s coming straight for us--with his left turn signal on!" -- Oldfartophobia

"You have to push `Start` to turn the damn computer off?!" -- Windophobia

"I won`t go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!" -- ThetaFetaMetaBetaphobia

"No!! Don`t call the plumber!!!" -- Buttcrackaphobia

"No, I don`t want to watch `Friends.` That blonde chick freaks me out." -- Phoebephobia

"Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" -- Probeophobia

"You`re busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" -- Rentanotherpornophobia

"It`s NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me "that" way again!" -- Homophobophobia

"Honey, I bought a Corvette!" -- Smallpenisphobia

With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

Viagra Lite: For people who only want to masturbate

A man called his doctor, and said. "Doc, you gotta come over here quick!

You see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her ass!

"The doctor said, "Okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese.

The doctor said, "What are you doing? I said a piece of cheese".

Have you heard about Kellogg's foray into the medical field? They have a new cereal specifically for men with erectile dysfunction.

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

Says a teenage girl to her doctor, "You prescribed me birth control pills."

"And how is it going?"

"I think it's ok, but I'd like to have them bigger."

The doctor was surprised, "You mean stronger?"

"No. Bigger, please."

"But why BIGGER?"

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an
office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients...

He approached the receptionist desk...

The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name
here... you want to see the doctor about impotence,right?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation...and
I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse. Every time she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a
patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we doing this morning?"

Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It seems we are a little cloudy today." At this he snatches the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top and chugs it, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"

To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of Operations

Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately.

Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negativevehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration
syndrome."

4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubations referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.